How did I get here?

It is five in the morning and I woke up for no reason. I decided to have a glass of wine and go back to bed, thought I might write a little. I saw my therapist Friday. I have come a long way.

Four years ago my wife, at the time, decided to sleep with her hiking buddy. My mind wonders how I got here. In court she was vicious, she asked for everything she could get, the court gave less. How does someone cheat on you and then attack you? How do they justify such a thing?

Valerie Bertinelli was on television a while back and she spoke about how she cheated on her husband, Eddie Van Halen. She said that she did it once and swore she would never do it again, ten years later she did. How do you do that, how do you sleep with someone when you are married, I don't get it, I couldn't do it. I don't know how to be unfaithful.

How do you come to grips with the fact that the person you married, that you thought you loved and thought loved you, cheated on you? The problem I have is a love problem, how do you unlove someone? My life is not fxxxing Facebook, I don't just unfriend someone.

What to do with 27 years of memories. And who the heck is reading this blog in the Ukraine? Sorry, I am not awake yet. I am writing half asleep. How dark is the heart that cheats on it's spouse? How can we be so cruel?

My life moves on for the better; but, what of that which has been left behind? What of the family and life that we led? Where does selfishness come from, I don't understand it. I am a simpleton.

How do I accept the fact that I am glad that she was so evil and that I can leave free of any guilt? I would have preferred that she was not evil; but she was. Dear readers, do I make any sense. Can you understand my confusion? I wonder how she could do such a thing to me. I saved her life, gave her a life and she cheated on me. Still, I must find the good in her.

The wine is kicking in. Little left to say, just questioning how I got here. I never had freedom from responsibility, it feels nice. It feels nice to know that I am no longer on the clock. There are no clocks.

It is halloween. Yippie Kay Yay. I do not know what my readers think of me. I am just a guy who has been hurt, I am just a guy trying to work through this life in a way that is honorable. Is it wrong to want to do the right thing? I screw up and keep trying.

We arrived at the hotel. I was miserable. I spent the next six months apathetic to my life. I did not understand apathy. I didn't know the word. I have been apathetic twice in my life. Once when I lost the love of my life and the second time when I lost my wife. I got over it both times. The first one I understand, the second one I do not. How do you cheat on your spouse? Be well.