I spent the weekend with one of my kids (grown adults). As I was going through my divorce they didn't really say much about it. They certainly didn't want to talk about the other man and I understand that. I couldn't see how the divorce effected my kids because there wasn't really a way for them to discuss it with me. I told my kid that it was okay to tell my ex-wife that I don't hate her, I am not even angry anymore, I have had almost five years to put it behind me. Still, it doesn't end for the kids, we are no longer mom and dad together, we are now mom and dad apart, a broken family and there is nothing I can do to put the pieces together again anymore than I could prevent what did happen, you cannot control others.
As time passes I meet a new life alone and that is okay for me. I am still discovering Pimpernel. The truth is I am more concerned about my kids than about my ex or I. In my heart I believe my ex regrets how things went down and I wish her luck in her new life. Heck, when she had some legal problem I even helped her and that was when I was really angry with her. She is still their mother and I would help her again.
A divorce is never final, that is something my ex should have known and didn't. Her parents had divorced and their family never got over it. You don't get over divorce, you cope with the consequences and try and salvage what you can. After a divorce, my experience is that you have to find your new "normal". I still haven't found mine. Well, I haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up, lets put it that way.
I have done some amazing things in my life; but, like everyone else, I too am far from perfect. Problem is, sometimes our kids don't see us that way. Once a family has been ripped apart, it takes time to heal the pieces because everyone is harmed. Healing starts with recognition of the pain and then forgiveness, after that everyone in a family finds their new normal and their new way of dealing with and appreciating each other because y0u never stop being family.
Before I dated I asked my children's opinion, I did that for a reason. I didn't ask their opinion when I stopped dating. If I choose to date again, anyone I date will be required to meet my children. You never stop being family. My ex did something that I didn't understand at the time. She was still living in the house and openly seeing the other man, at Christmas she bought a book for one of my kids, it was about a man who attempted to live the bible laws exactly for one year. When my kid opened the present my ex said what the book was about and how the man had met an adulterer and through pebbles at her. We all cringed when she said it; but, I think I get it now. She was trying to say that nobody is perfect and we all sin. In a way, she was admitting what she did and asking for forgiveness.
When I lost the last of my elders, my ex wanted to attend the funeral and was not allowed to. I had been told that she would not be allowed to attend, I was told that if I asked she might be allowed but that there was no guarantee. My position was that if she asked to attend then I would ask that she be allowed to, she never asked. My kids didn't know the whole story; but, they knew she wasn't allowed to attend and assumed it was at my request, it was not. I look back now and see why they were so upset, they saw it as not healing; but, more separation. The problem again is that a divorce effects everyone, even relatives and friends.
I feel bad that my attempt at having a family did not turn out the way I would have wished, I feel bad that I am not perfect and neither was my wife. Heck, my kids were not perfect either. I participated in a family for 25 years and couldn't control the outcome. Life doesn't work that way. I couldn't think about healing the family when I was a mess, when I was still torn. I had to heal me and that took some time, you cannot have your heart ripped out and just get up and get over it. Someone said that for each five years together, it takes a year to heal. It has been just about five years and I am healed, they never said how long it took for everyone else to heal and I don't think kids ever do.
If I ever get the chance (and she would tell the truth) I would talk to my ex and ask her to tell me what went through her mind and if she considered how her actions would effect everyone else. I think I know what she would say, heck, she was cheating on me. She probably did think that divorce was best even for me. Seeing as how she was cheating on me, she may have been right about what was best for me.
If I could have my house back and could reconcile with my ex, I still couldn't put the family back together. It has nothing to do with the adultery per se, it has everything to do with trust. I could never trust my ex-wife again. If I tried to reconcile my attorney and accountant and friends and family would all try to stop me. So, what is best for my family, that is what I have left.
Pray for my success, pray for my family to heal more. I love my children and my ex-wife loves our children. Pray that as time moves on we all come to grips with what has happened and remember that the most important relationship is the one we hold with each other, even when we do each other wrong.
I wonder sometimes, if I found someone that loved me more than my ex-wife did, if I found someone that made me happier than my ex-wife did, would that make it even harder on my children? You know, what would it be like to know that your father was happier with someone other than your mother? How would it feel if it only took a year or two? I am guessing not that great.
YouTube - Eagles - The Heart of the Matter
Hope you all have a nice week. Peace.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)