Lots of Nonsense at Once

Oops, I destroyed the original post. Oh my. Changed my mind. I had a lovely dinner with an old assistant, he just keeps proving that he was the right one and what a lovely bride he has, very sweet and always asks about me.

I want to talk about being blessed. God blesses who he will with what they can handle, there is a price tag for every blessing. People don't like that, they want the blessing; but, not to earn it. People want to be as brilliant as the mega nerds; but, they don't want to be treated as differant growing up. A choice, free will. The human heart wants all the cookies and none of the pain, give that to the other guy, that is why selfishness is bad, it is cruel.

Let us consider Arnold Shwarzenegger, the wanted to be a family man and sleep around at will, the could afford it; but, it was cruel and selfish. To sleep around meant that he risked hurting others and guarenteed that he had to lie to his wife and children, that distanced him from them in his mind. I wonder how he would feel if he found out Maria had done the same and one of the kids was not truly his, I bet he wouldn't like it as much and the kids even less. What would it feel like to know that the man who you thought was your father was not? Not too good. My stepdaughter knew that I was not her biological father; but, she knew I took being her father as a privledge and seriously. I am sure that she had questions for her biological father; but, she never got to ask them, I wish she could have. I cannot answer for him, only myself.

If I discoverd that one of my biological daughters was not mine, wouldn't change a thing, I love all three equally and for differant reasons, because they are unique, we all are, we just need to accept that and stop trying to get others to be like us completely. Conformity is disgusting.

In a couple of weeks I am going to give this blog address to someone who is currently working on something that could hurt my organization. Hmmm, why? Because they are a Christian and they want to see things. Long story and only they will know when they read this. LMAO. Information once said exists for eternity. Hmmm, that Pimpernel is being wierd tonight, as if there was a night when I wasn't. Be well.

Beauty and Hiding

One of my co-workers read my blog and had an interesting comment. But, first, I had a dream last night. In the dream I was feeling amorous and as if I wanted to have sex and there was a woman next to me and it was my ex-wife. He body was pretty much the way I remembered it and I was getting very excited and before anything could happen I completely rejected letting anything happen and wanted to get away. I did. Now the comment (and this was made before I told her of my dream), she said that she read my previous post and thought I might be getting ready to transition back into a relationship. I think that may be so; but, I think I am not ready yet and that was the dream.

I think the dream reflected that I am over the ex; but, am afraid of being with someone. I think that as I began looking at women again, my mind sought to protect me. I think I may have stopped seeing women as physically attractive so that I wouldn't seek to find pleasure in another at this point. I think I was looking for reasons not to be with anyone right now. Kinda wild. I am not that ready to be intimate again, date, maybe; but, not intimate.

I don't want to meet someone and seek to have them fullfill all of my needs, I want to meet someone and get to know them and know that they will be a good partner in life. I believe that takes some time. So, I have posted a picture of a woman (Jane Seymour) who I always thought was beautiful and yes, she still is.

So where am I, confused. I am in need of time and need to let my body and mind and emotions find their new place. Together for 27, apart for 4. I don't want to heal quickly, I want to know when I have healed at my pace. I don't want what I had and may not be ready to start over, just some time for myself.