I miss my mother

Oh, dear reader, I miss my mother. She passed away ten years ago. I buried her, now I will bury her last sister near her. I try not to go to that cemetary. I prefer to think about my missing loved ones.

MUCH LATER

I am watching all the doors close at the same time. It is my job to turn off the light. "To sleep, perchance to dream". They keep telling me that I should be dead; but, instead all around me die. Where is fairness?

My words will not come together as they should. I cannot convey my absent mindedness. I cannot synthesize what is going through my mind. My cousin said he would consider having my ex at the funeral if I asked. I do not wish to see her. She is still in the evil realm until she admits to me what she did. Doesn't matter that I know, that I read or that I saw. She needs to admit it.

Three years ago, right after I found out. I begged my aunt to let my ex see her with the kids at Christmas. The ex does not know that. I also had to beg my nephew not to tell her what he thought of her. I am no longer so bound. I did what I did for my children and remaining family. The ones left can handle it if I change my attitude.

I have not made my decision. If I allow her to come, it means I have allowed a door to be ajar rather than close completely. Tough one. I think I will probably leave the door as slightly ajar as possible, forgiveness, grace. Things she said she did not want from me. I wonder if she will feel the same if I let her come and then tell her how her whoring destroyed us? But, that I will not do unless she comes without permission. At that point, all bets are off.

LATER STILL

This is a horrible time in the history of this world. Few good things coming, at least they will not last long. Times and a time, words that repeat in my head. What do they mean? I do not know. Perhaps someday I will.

LATER

Sorry, phone calls and stuff. I want chocolate. Shit, I have a Heath Bar, got it earlier and forgot. Spoke to my cousin, they are wheeling my aunt out of the house. We had a moment of silence. He and I. Time to go to Vegas. In two weeks.

My aunt liked Vegas and owned property in Nevada. My sister lives there. In Nevada. It is only three hours away. I like the Rio Hotel. They have always treated me the best. If I am in Vegas, I know I am safe because I can go to the Rio. I was not paid anything for that comment. They just were the best.

We will go to Vegas, he and I. He used to go to Vegas with my dad and I, before my dad passed away. Now begins the ritual for our new generation. What will it be? It will be the same as it has with the Irish for centuries, a party. All parties are good, the form is merely form.

When one of ours dies, one that was a participant, we have a party. Those who attend become the core of the future, those who do not, they become whatever. Sorry, lost my choo choo.

Did I have a choo choo? Maybe not. Wandering thoughts at best. That is what our mind should do at such times, wander. Be well. I think I need to stop trying to write.