Paying my attorney

My taxes came in. About half goes to the ex and most of the rest goes to my attorney. My attorney deserves more and the ex deserves less. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to pay attorney as quickly as I would have liked. I am glad I can. She was very fair and reasonable and I know she has undercharged me, kinda lady she is, a sweetheart.

Paying my attorney and selling my house are sort of the last things I need to do in order to move on to something new. Something new, what will it be? I do not know and am not going to decide till I am ready to. When I knew the marriage was over I asked myself what I wanted to do. I had no answer. I have forgotten what I like. For too long I have only thought about what was needed by others.

I love the desert where I live. It calms me. I just don't wish to travel 85 miles to work each day. To long a commute and no reason, no children to raise and no need for owning a home. I choose to be intentionally adrift at sea, to float for a bit. To re-imagine my life. At least a little.

I could just walk away from everything, I have thought about it. I could just simplify my life to the max; but, there are things to be done and people keep coming to me. Young people trying to find their way.

What did my life mean? Different things to different people. The ex saw me as a meal ticket. The kids saw me as dad and a meal ticket. My friends saw me as someone who knows how to get things done, figure things out. They also saw me as giving and in return they gave back, more than they know.

I was thinking about someone I once knew. I was wondering how she saw me. I only have glimpses, small memories. I am humbled by how some of my friends and family see me, one gentleman who passed away was my right hand man for a long time. His wife said at his funeral that he loved me. He was older than me and had seen many things, I miss him dearly. His name was Bill.

I do not think I wish to be in the rat race anymore, I think I would prefer a simpler life. That is not on the menu at the moment. I see a storm brewing in the distance. Not for me, for others. We shall see how right I may be.

Oh well. My plan is to get rid of just about everything I own. Chuck it all. I plan to move back to the city, my Los Angeles. Perhaps downtown, perhaps the valley or Santa Monica. Then what? Shall I seek the love of my life, shall I seek a new job, shall I just fade away, don't know.

Sometimes I think I could just get in my car and drive till I stop and then stay there. Others have done it. But, that is not my way. What is my way has yet to be decided by me.

It is nice to not know for once. I know too much as is. I found some pictures of my children when they were younger. So much promise for our family, who knew it would end with the ex sleeping around, not me. Knowing it was painful; but, denying it would have served no purpose. We cannot make lies come true.

I lost my train of thought. My mind wandered. How nice. What need is there for logic in a world that is insane? I assure you, this world is insane. Be well.