Dating

I thought I might finally post something truly personal. I had to think about it for awhile. The readers may think I post personal stuff on occassion; but, the reality is that the personal stuff posted is not the inside of me, mostly just examples taken from life of thoughts and beliefs. It doesn't touch my heart usually in the way that my private thoughts do, the blog is not private.

I am going to discuss love. I know one of the readers knows of who I think, she knows by name; but, that was a private e-mail to a friend to read. After all, she knew who Jean Arthur was. Jean was such an amazing actress and comedian. My mind always remembers Miss Arthur in the original "Mr. Deeds Goes to New York" and "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington". I remember her soft face as she cried in "Mr Deeds" and her lovely voice as she pleaded with Mr. Deeds, she was an amazing women.

Since my-ex asked for a divorce I have dated a bit. I have dated about six women. Each was more amazing than the previous and my youngest absolutely loves the last woman I dated. Ahhh, she is very lovable; but, our lives take different paths. She definitely would make someone one heck of a partner. She, more than anyone else, gave me hope again in finding someone to work together with and was pretty damn good at picking glasses for my table.

I made the decision to stop dating for awhile. I stopped dating because I want to straighten some things out in my life first, mainly get rid of my house and decide where I am going to live. I have plenty of opportunities; but, just don't want to decide until the house is gone. Heck, I may live in a hotel for a bit or with family, I really don't know.

There is one person I have loved and lost that I will never get over. I am reminded of her whenever I see Jean Arthur cry, I am reminded of her whenever I pass certain places, I am reminded of her when I watch Ingrid Bergman. She was probably the most multi-talented person I have ever known. She became a model, actress, singer, gymnast and had a genius IQ. I never understood what she saw in me. I was only a gymnast and stage manager, with a pretty good IQ. But, she saw something in me. When asked what I look for in a woman, I always say; "Poor eyesight and a bad judge of character".

With all of her talents, none of them had anything to do with why I loved her. She was amazingly beautiful; but, beauty is just skin deep and fades. What I loved the most about her was her calmness and ability to understand people. She understood people like few I have known, she could see into their hearts and knew their souls. I never understood how well she could understand others. My brother and a lady I work with both have the same ability, to me it is spooky.

This lady understood humans, the human condition, the greed and avarice and pettiness and the wish of most people to control others, to get their way. I confused her at first, I confuse a lot of people; but, I didn't confuse her for long only a few years. On a few occasions she let me in, she let me see inside her heart. She let me see into her soul through eyes and let down her guard, she was an actress because she did not trust most people's hearts, she trusted mine.

My friend wrote a poem named "Breathe", I have mentioned that before. Perhaps I shall write a poem called "See inside me" about my lady. The last time we were together she looked in my eyes, I was on a small stairwell and she was below me. She held my hands and looked into my eyes, deeply, understandingly and lovingly. She asked me to stay; but, I could not, I was moving against my wishes.

She looked into my eyes and penetrated my heart, I knew in that moment that she completely understood me and my heart. I have dated a few women now; but, what I really want is to feel that person who looks into my eyes and sees into my heart, that understand and cares. My lady was always very gentle with me, although, to tell the truth she almost mentally kicked my rump, one time. She decided not too; but, had made all the proper arrangements. One of the few times in my life I could not speak and was at a complete loss for all words. Did I mention she was a genius, she was.

I guess I am done for the night. I would have been done sooner; but, had a number of interruptions. I have many people in my house and at times they require my attention, giving my attention is more important than posting. People matter, you matter and don't let the world tell you any different. My lady mattered and I never told her I loved her because I found out I was moving when we finally had our first date. I found out the day after the date was arranged. Life can be pretty cruel, she never married.

A couple months back I saw an old friend. We talked some business, he retired and went to work for a union. After talking business and City intrigue, he told me he was remarrying. He had divorced years earlier. He told me had found the love of his life. They were to marry in the next week, they did and honeymooned, he died on his honeymoon from a heart attack.

They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I am good with that. No matter the outcome we should give our hearts completely at least twice if necessary. I have given my twice, one was cut short and the other time I was betrayed. BUT, I have given my heart and would not take it back, then I would only be a partial person, one who had never experienced giving their heart completely.

I will not tell you what my lady saw in me. I will tell you that you can not understand it from blog, I will tell you that you cannot understand it from meeting me or even knowing me. She watched me develop over years, over many years. She knew me young and as an adult. She was truly the most amazing person I have ever known in my life and I give my readers a slice of her and me. This is the most personal you will read here. It is a gift, the gift of seeing into someone's true heart. Be well.