I have nothing to say

I am at pause. I have nothing on my mind, at least, nothing important. My mind is just sort of coasting for the moment. I don't know how I feel about that. Maybe I don't feel anyway about it.

I read the news today, nothing even worth mentioning. Perhaps the world is taking in a breath, perhaps. Perhaps I can rest soon, perhaps. I am not sure what rest would look like, not true rest. I haven't had it in so long I sort of forgot what it is like.

It is sort of funny. I was talking to a friend today. We were just chatting a little, nothing too heavy. She mentioned that she still didn't know what she wanted to be when she grew up. I am 50 and she is a little older. I told her I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

When I was four I knew what I wanted to do with my life, government. I wanted to have a family and raised one. My plan was to retire in 4 years and travel with my wife. Doesn't make much sense now. I have worked my life in caring for others and now there is nobody to care for, sort of like an empty nest syndrome. I have considered just working. One should have purpose beyond pleasure.

Pleasure, I am not even sure what that is. Most people work to pay for pleasure time. I am not sure what I would find pleasurable as a goal. I mean I like a nice massage and driving fast; but, how many massages can you get and how many tickets can you get before you stop?

I am reminded of Voltaire's "Candide", "Siddhartha" and "Ecclesiastes". Each is a very similar story. A man tries stoicism, gambling, sex, drugs and all forms of sensations, in the end he decides to just work, to be useful. Perhaps that is the problem, I am not sure how useful I am being anymore. Oh, I still make money for my employer and still solve problems. I am just not sure that I find it meaningful as I once did.

I never had a plan B in my life, I never had too. I have a plan B, C, D... for everything else, just not for my life. What does a sheep dog do when he is replaced by a younger sheepdog? Do you just lay by your master's side and rest? I like the sound of that; but, not quite ready. Still, I don't the spring in my step I used to.

It is funny, people who don't know me and meet me are surprised by how much energy I have. People who knew are surprised by how much I have mellowed. I feel the difference. You can only burn the candle to the wick so many times. In boxers, the legs go first. In analysts it is the passion. My search is for a new passion.

I dated a woman, one of my first questions was what was her passion. She told me she had none. I thought how sad that was, to not be passionate about something. If you do not have passion the best you can hope for is want. I have no want so I must find my passion. Want is too passive, it is to wanton, it is too mundane. Want is easily met. Food fills hunger, sex fills lust, money fills greed and so on.

Passion requires a complete belief, body and soul to be tossed into some meaningful endeavor. The meaning is the key. Passion is created when something meaningful is there and needs to be achieved.

My cuts have been cleaned and are almost all healed, my wounds accumulated over 50 years, dozens of deaths, betrayal and just working too darn hard. The worst of the bad has passed, at the apex one wonders what is next. I had a breakdown, or so I say. My psychiatrist says I had a depressive episode. I felt as if I had lost part of myself, it took a while to figure out that I had lost my passion. Technically the psychiatrist was correct, I did not breakdown. What I lost, for me, was worse.

Purpose is very important, it gives us a reason to get up. I worked on a play, it was called "Waiting for Godot". I absolutely hated working on that play, I hated the play. It is the only play I hated working on. In the play the only purpose the main characters can find is to wait. To wait for the next thing. There is a next thing; but, why just wait, why not participate in the now?

That is how I see pleasure seekers, as people just waiting for this all to end. No pleasure can take the place of purpose. Purpose is like love rather than lust, it is meaning to your life.

A french director, oh yeah (forgot his name for a second) named Cocteau was asked what made great art. He said art must be judged by it's impact on the audience. So are lives, they are judged by their impact. In order to have significant impact one must have passion.

How does one find their passion? When they have lost their passion, how do they find a new one? These are questions I ask of myself. How shall I spend the last third of my life? The answer must be to go to back to basics. What do you want your life to mean? What can you do to make things better? The basics. You cannot build a house on sand, it is better to build it on solid rock.

I shall examine my solid rock, my basics. I will be me. I will attempt to make things better, to do what I am best at to achieve this goal. That seems like a good base, what do you think? Oh, and I want love. I want to want to make somebody's day just by being and somebody who wants to want to make my day, just by being.

We have ourselves, our personalities, our uniqueness, that is the only variety in the universe. It is our appreciation of others that is our greatest gift, joy in something real, something that also feels, connection in a positive way. Truth is being ourselves, love is appreciation for others. Truth and love, the building blocks of meaning and life.

The opposite of truth and love is lies and hate. Lies are when we change ourselves for others rather than out of belief. Hate is a lack of appreciation for others. It is practically a mathematical formula.

I believe hell is the abyss, the lack of others that you appreciate. An eternal solitary confinement, self imposed. The lack of passion is evidence that one is headed to caring only about yourself. It is the road to materialism and that road is too short for sentient beings.

For this reason, I seek my passion. I seek my passion to make life meaningful again, to find the mountain that cannot be climbed and climb it. To find a reason to move beyond the wounds, to go out on a shield that was worthy of being carried. Not just any shield, the one that I am committed to. What I want the rest of my life to be a symbol of, as opposed to just waiting to die.

I have provided for the ungrateful and I have given to people who were very grateful and then some in between. I prefer giving to the grateful, not for the gratitude, for the relationship, the exchange, the mutual appreciation because we have given of ourselves for the other. Cooperation is a good thing, authority is a bad thing. If you have to be forced to appreciate, all is folly.

I came out of my funk when I began to accept gratitude, appreciation of me. I continued out as I began to be greatful, greatful for what others did for me. The people who owed me little, gave me much. The people who owed me much, gave me little. And those who were my parents, siblings and cousins knew nothing of what happened to me. Isn't life funny?

So I seek passion in my life. The meaning behind getting up tomorrow and doing anything other than going back to bed. I hope you have passion, passion is hope for something other than waiting for the next thing.