Today has been interesting. I will skip most of what has gone on. I cannot remember, I just received a call from one of my most wonderful loved ones. She is a lady who lives in Portland and has a heart of gold. The good kind, strong and still sweet. She told me that someone we both know is terminal.
The lady who is terminal never smoked, a health freak. She got lung cancer and it spread throughout her body. I remember why she didn't smoke, someone she loved died from it and did smoke. I smoke and my doctors are always frustrated because my lungs are fine.
The lady who is dying and I had a odd relationship. We only ever met online, she is smart and tricky. I enjoy both. She took umbrage with me, not hard to understand. LOL. I can be quite annoying. She also was very helpful to many people and thought about her position. I cried when I heard she was dying in such a way. We all live the human experience and die; sometimes it is a hard death.
At one time, we had discussed getting together, just to meet. I am thinking I may need to go to the Southeast and do so before she dies. Not to discuss any problems we had, to discuss how she helped others. I may instead write her, she may not wish to meet me or be around anyone other than family. People should be given their choices, especially when they are leaving.
I used to ask a question. The question was, "If you knew you only had 24 hours left before you died, what would you do?" I was a gearhead, I raced cars. Gearheads always give the same answer. Get a very fast car, drive it to it's limits and go head first into a wall. Hey, that is the answer for gearheads. Over the years my answer has changed.
Today, if I knew I only had 24 hours to live, I would spend it in quiet conversation with loved ones saying goodbye. Death holds absolutely no fear for me, I welcome it when it's time comes. Pain, on the other hand, is still an annoyance. The pain of cancer is great. The lady who is dying did some manipulative things with me, I cannot wish her the type of ill that cancer brings because I believe she did me wrong, many have. She is a brilliant soul that made her own way and took her own consequences, courage is always admirable.
How can we hate a terrorist who is willing to give their own life because of what they believe and then honor our own soldiers who give their lives. Neither chose the war. It can never be about being right, it has to always be about making things better or we always lose.
Dying from cancer is a miserable experience. I wish it on nobody. My ex's father is dying from diabetes, or so I have been told. I don't wish him that pain. If the ex was dying, I would not wish such pain. It is okay to be angry over the pain others have caused us, it is not okay to wish them ill. The young lady who is dying and I have no issues, I don't. I wish her comfort, I pray for her comfort. I don't have to, I choose to because life is just a series of mistakes and lessons to be learned.
4 comments:
Thanks for posting this 'out loud'.
I miss you both there. Place isn't the same without you two and a few others who too have left.
I too wish you (all) the best.
May God bless all who read these words. My heart cries for those I miss and who have been a blessing to anyone. My heart is much weaker than my will. It only knows that love is worthwhile.
No, not the same. For better or worse, nothing stays the same.
Pimpernel, your heart is not weak from crying, it is strong.
I stand corrected. My heart is bigger than it was, it has grown. I think of what a hard hearted person I was, of how cold I could be and how I have changed.
Gratitude and forgiveness are the first steps in becoming a better person. We cannot avoid these steps by lies and forgetting, we must work through things to find proper solutions. Hiding from dealing with issues stunts true growth and real forgiveness is never achieved.
Let me say that my heart is not weaker, but, instead is much more tender. Tender is a good thing.
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