Another Day, Another Post

I was talking to a friend who works with me. She and I finalized our divorces at about the same time, hers took 5 years and mine 3. Sometimes I think about my life that evaporated before my eyes. When your spouse leaves you for someone else after decades together, it effects you in strange ways.

At first you may feel confused then depressed and then angry; but, even once those feelings have passed you are still left with ghosts. I do not miss my ex-wife and I do not ever wish to see her again, this is not about her. What I am talking about are memories and hopes and habits.

The memories get redefined in light of what we know. The hopes, the hopes for our future, our plans are discarded and new ones must be determined. That takes awhile; but, you start developing new plans eventually. The last part is the habits, the things you don't even think about. Things like which side of the bed you sleep on, how the toilet paper is put on the roll, which drawers hold the utensils, the million little habits that you developed overtime with your spouse.

The reason the habits are the last to go is because we don't even recognize them until something clicks. The habits need to go too. If we are to be free and ready to have a new relationship that is complete we have to renegotiate the habits with the new person.

The last remnant of a past relationship. The last anchor to a ship that has sailed. I am in the process of removing that anchor. I didn't know it was there. When you are the person who was left you have time to grieve and remove all of these barriers from interfering with having future healthy relationships. I am not saying it is easy, I am saying you have the choice to do so. When you are the person who left for another, that chance is a lot harder to come by, maybe impossible.

From others I have known who were in my situation, many chose to never fully trust the opposite sex again. Trust is a tough one and is the first one you have to deal with. You must make a complete commitment to trusting another again, trusting them as if you had never been hurt in a relationship. If you do not do that you will never address the rest of the grieving process. It is all or nothing.

I have not know the intimate scent of any woman other than my ex-wife. Scent is a very powerful memory inducer. As the years have passed the memory begins to fade. I wonder if the scent of my future partner will seem odd to me. It is these types of things that must fade from the memory before we can totally move on.

To have your spouse leave you for another is tough; but, on the bright side, you can move on completely if you work through it. I feel bad for widows and widowers because giving up those memories and habits is much harder. They have no reason to purge their memory. It is true that they do not need to deal with the betrayal; but, they must deal with things that make having a new relationship harder. They must deal with unresolved issues that they can never address directly.

"Gone With The Wind" is a great book and movie. It is about having your world taken from you. Everyone deals with the loss of their world differently. Some move on and others do not, they still miss the world they lost. I do not miss the world I lost anymore because I never really had that world. People around me were living dual lives not the ones I thought they were.

It is easier to come to grips with the fact that the life you were living was an illusion because you can see that it was an illusion and nothing you believed was true. The truth is easier than making up lies. It is harder to come to grips with the fact that the life you had cannot be achieved. Less hope in getting it back for a widower or widow.

And what of the cheating spouse? That is funny, they did not appreciate what they had so they must look for something different. There is nothing to mourn because they did not like what they had, they wanted more. It becomes a question of whether or not anyone will ever treat them as well. Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes the answer is no. It depends on how they were treated, life remains the same.

My ex-wife's mother is a very nice lady and I love her dearly. I have never said a bad thing about her and I never will, I have nothing bad to say about her. When she was my mother in law, in 27 years of knowing her we only ever had one disagreement and it was minor. I miss her dearly and will love her till the day I die. She left her husband, I do not believe she cheated on him and have no reason to believe so. She left because she said he did not adore her enough, that is what she told my ex-wife. Years later she never found someone who did love her as much as he did, she said leaving him was the greatest mistake she ever made.

Being with someone means hard work. The love part is great and sex is a pretty nice cherry on top of the ice cream. Problem is that we live in a world that requires much of us just to get by. Most of us must work and we cannot romance every second. That can be hard on the person who isn't doing the work to understand. My ex-father in law worked hard, I worked hard, my ex-brother in law worked hard. They all married men who worked hard to provide for their families.

My ex-father in law and I did not always get along. I did not like the way he let his new wife treat his children from his prior marriage. I would not have had that issue if his ex-wife, my ex-mother and law had still been married to him. I liked his work ethic and sense of humor.

There are few people in this world that can afford not to work. Most women will never meet one of them. While romance and excitement 24 hours a day may seem like a nice dream and can be obtained in spurts, it cannot be sustained in this world. If your fantasy involves a life of uninterrupted joy, you are in the wrong place. If you wish to be "adored" 24/7, you are not going to find it.

What do you look for in a relationship? What is achievable? What if, what if what you look for is commitment to grow together, to go through the tough spots and know that the high spots will come back? That is reality, that is life. That is the best we can hope for. Jumping from person to person to keep up the highs cannot succeed, this is not Club Med. Instead you are left with a series of relationships that never fully developed, arrested development is all you get.

I thank my co-worker for the conversation we had today, she is very insightful about some things. It caused me to think and right, this has helped me to understand myself. I believe I am ready to move past the habits and develop new ones. It is not so much about being willing to move past as it is about being open to developing new habits and new patterns. Patterns that you can only develop with a new partner. I think I am ready now.

UPDATE

I was wrong, I passed this part earlier, I just didn't know it. Scent, the scent of a woman. I had sniffed the nape of the neck of a woman I dated and had been intoxicated by her aroma. It was one of the women I dated. I did love her aroma, I was able to be excited by new women. I was able to progress in my experience of dating. I kept getting closer to what I need and what they need. I thank everyone of the women I dated for helping me to heal and see how amazing they can be as they progress.

Perhaps I have answered my own question, am I ready to move along to a new relationship? I think the answer is yes. I think it is just a matter of being patient and waiting till I meet the person who is also ready. Be well and may God keep you in his good graces.