A little saddened

I had to finally face my finances. I collected a year of bills and started going through them in preparation for my foreclosure. The court, in it's infinite wisdom, left me with $300,000 in debt and my ex, about $2,000. A far cry from four years ago when I had no debt, over $100,000 in the bank and $250,000 in equity on my house.

I was going through my expenses trying to figure out how I will afford any apartment. Dear readers please understand I will do just fine, I know how to budget and require little, that is not the point or what is on my mind. I worked for 38 years, 23 for the same employer. I rose very high and make six figures; but, I only keep 2 of every 5 dollars I make.

Funny thing is, I can't say I care that much. On one level I see the unfairness, on another, I feel free. I worked my way up from $4 an hour to $70. Not bad. Now I have something to work towards again. I will complete my foreclosure, consolidate my debt, pay it down and move on. I waited three years to look at my financial future because there was no point while the divorce proceeded. I didn't know how much I would pay in attorney fees or alimony so I couldn't plan. Now I can and I am a decent planner.

For those who stood by me and watched me lose everything, thanks for being there. For those who took and did not stand by me, have a great life. There is nothing left to take and clearly many did not appreciate what they did take. They miss out on the joy of gratitude.

To those who know me best, of course I have a plan, always did, just had to wait until the dust settled to get busy. I awake from my dream and am ready to get busy. Only one delay and that will not last long, three months at most. With excess baggage removed from my life and I can be a very effective individual. I just need a target and I can see clearer what I want. Didn't know what I wanted for the past few years, I was too busy dealing with the mess.

If my salary is reduced any further there will be no point in my working as I will not be able to afford to get to work. Everybody will lose except me. That is the world we have created. The guilty are rewarded and the innocent punished for the crimes of others. Rewarding people for adultery or for bankrupting companies or for corruption in government is wrong; but, apparently it is lawful. What message does this send our children. Accepting these things as okay still sends the wrong message.

I need no pity and I need no money. I am quite satisfied with my days now. My days are filled with nice conversation, cooking and work. I laugh a lot now, I laugh daily and many people enjoy laughing with me. I have an inner peace that I have not known since I was single. I have my dog, he is laying at my feet and seems quite satisfied to do so.

We made a wrong turn when we stopped considering guilt and responsibility. We made a wrong turn when we began focusing on how much one acquires rather than what one contributes, we started sending the wrong message. It was unsustainable. Life is not about things or experiences, it is about how we impact one another.

On a side note. I had spent all day and night with my best friend enjoying Disneyland. The morning was coming and we sat on the curb, exhausted, waiting for the bus to come and get us. I looked up between two buses and saw. I hoped I was not noticed. After it passed I sort of limped. I reconciled myself to what my life was and where I now lived. Saddened, I wished her well in my mind.