I Have the Day Off, So Some Scattered Thoughts

I was fortunate enough to be invited to the movies by two of my friends. A married couple that I happen to think very highly of. I enjoy going out on occasion and we had a find evening. We saw the new Sherlock Holmes movie and had a nice dinner. Now here is a shocker, I have never been on a double date in my life except when I was married, not when I was just dating. When I dated it was always just the two of us.

On a side note, see scattered, my dog doesn't like it when someone gives me a neck rub. Sometimes my daughter or one of my friends will put their hands on me in affection and my dog flips out. My dog is very jealous of me. He is in fact and idiot; but, I am stuck with him and I love him I guess. LOL.

I know, where is this all leading, is there a point. Yes, thank you very much, there is a point and it resides at the top of my head. I am seriously considering dating again sometime this year. I assume I will still get to go out on occasion with my friends; but, someday I will bring someone with me perhaps. How they interact with my friends will be important, how they act with my dog will be important and the same goes for how I interact with their family and friends.

I was going back and forth in my head a lot about this dating thing. I was seriously considering not dating ever again and then I think maybe I should. I was beginning to think that maybe it isn't worth the effort, the responsibility of it all. I am not 18 anymore and I fear that I am growing set in my ways. I was talking to a friend and he told me that if I don't start pretty soon then I will probably never date again. I thought about that a lot and you know what, he is probably right. I am way too comfortable being single.

There is a very pretty lady that seems to have a thing for me and I have a thing for running away from her. That is the fear side coming out. It is not that I am afraid of getting burned again, it is more about the effort that I believe one should put into a relationship. I am not a casual person and will not be looking for a casual relationship.

If I do find someone and get in a relationship, it will no doubt impact this blog. Heck, I am working all week, preaching on Saturdays soon and I write somewhere on a daily basis. Just reading the news for me takes a few hours because of all the sources that I check. I think I might have to cut back on the reading and writing if I do find someone.

I do have a tendency to analyze things don't I? I remember this cartoon that my mother gave me. The cartoon had a picture of Sherlock Holmes examining a wrapped Christmas present and Watson says something like, "Just open the darn thing and be surprised like everyone else". Just go out there and date, find an attractive and nice woman and shack up. That just doesn't fit me.

Sometimes I think what I really want is to just retire and fade away off into the distance. Become a true hermit, just me and my dog. Walk away from society and enjoy some peace and quiet. I know my friends would be disappointed in me if I did so and I still have a trick or two up my sleeve, I still have something to offer to others and we should be in service to one another.

Pimpernel vacillates, I think one thing and then I think another. Maybe it is the cold or the exhaustion; but, I know it isn't. It is me trying to figure out what I want and I still don't know. That is not quite true, I know what I want; but, I cannot have it. I cannot be with the love of my life because she is dead. Someone once said that you can never go home. You cannot turn the clock back and get a redo. Nope, you continue moving forward and picking up baggage, belongings, possessions and scars.

What would it mean to love again? What would it mean to commit to knowing a person completely again? It sounds like a lot of work if you really want to be in a relationship.

On a completely different note, my parents spent a lot of money sending me to Law School knowing that I never intended to practice law. That was pretty amazing of them, maybe they thought I might practice; but, I made it clear that I didn't intend to. I was really more interested in how the law worked because I was interested in writing laws and I have written a couple. If it were not for my parents sacrificing to send me to college and law school, I would not have been able to do the things that I have in this life and I can no longer thank them and did not thank them enough while they were alive. You cannot go home again.

I know a very wonderful lady. She is a widow, she lost the love of her life. It was hard for her to date, men felt uncomfortable thinking they were competing with a dead person. I find myself in the same situation, the love of my life is dead. How do you give all of your heart when there is a part that is forever intertwined with another? Is it fair to the other person and do you have to tell them? "Just open the package".

Is it right to have a committed relationship if you cannot commit totally. My ex cheated on me, that is not a drawback to my having a relationship with another. The love of my life died, that is a restriction, there is a part of my heart that I can never give away, is that fair to another?

Life is so funny. I am so comfortable with nothing and still as a human, I miss companionship at times; but, I already know my soulmate and she is dead. Where do I go from here, to less? Better yet, do I discover that my soulmate was not and find one that is even more of a soulmate, how could I trust that decision?

These are questions that we all address on some level, we each answer them with our truth. There is a movie called "When Harry met Sally". I seem to remember that in the movie Billy Crystal asks Meg Ryan what she would do, choose between loving or being loved, he asks which she would choose and then tells her to think about her answer. Most would say that they want to be loved; but, that means never loving completely. I think that would be hard, I have loved completely and loved and lost. I still want to love again, I would make a terrible fascist, I prefer to love and help.

What would it take for you to love someone more than you have ever loved anyone more than? Whatever is the most you have ever loved, what would it take to love someone more, what could ever be enough? Peace.