Does Heroin Really Make You Happy?

Not too long ago someone asked me if I was happy. I thought about it and said "No". I am not unhappy; but, I would not say I am happy. I am content and at peace and those are good things; but, happy, no I am not sure I even know what it feels like to be happy. The person I was talking to said that "it" (happiness) wasn't a priority of mine. I had to agree, it is not a priority. Taking care of myself and others, doing the right thing and growing in understanding are priorities.

In reviewing my life I would have to say that I lived a life of constant and enormous stress. Eventually the stress became so severe that it blew one of my eyes out. The stress was willingly lived, I understood that my path was not the easy one and I took it because I thought it was the right one. When I thought I was going to die, I was happy with who I was. I lived my life as me and helped others. Joy was reserved for heaven if that is what it meant.

I was wrong, not about my life; but, about joy. We should have joy in our hearts. I think the divorce and all the deaths kicked the joy out of me. That is only partly true, I think that until recently I wasn't that emotional a person in the first place. Emotions never seemed that important to me. As I was growing up I saw people being emotional and wasn't that impressed (do you sense a little autism in the Pimpernel). Lets say that I started with 30% joy in my life and life managed to kick it down to 5%.

Today I determined that I needed to be open to joy in my life. I have to clarify something, I am not unhappy, in fact I laugh quite often. I do not lack happiness, I lack joy. To me, "Joy" has an element of hope rather than momentary pleasure. I don't have any hope in this life for the lightheartedness of joy because there is nothing I see this world having to offer me and there is nothing I seek from it.

I had made all of these plans for my life and the divorce pretty much changed all of that as they were mainly around making my wife happy when I retired. I never cared about money, fame or obtaining any material thing. I also need to point out that I believe my ex-wife would prefer to think I was joyous, I do not believe she wants me unhappy and I do not wish her to be. In fact, I told her that I wished she and her new boyfriend joyfulness. That was actually the word I used and I meant it.

If you asked me what would make me happy, I would say "more sleep and more laughter". If you asked me what would make me joyous, I wouldn't have an answer. I sound so pitiful and it is not like that. I think to have joy, you must have passion and there is no longer anything I am passionate about, nothing to achieve and nothing to obtain. Nothing that matters more than my life and that is a life of service. That is a good life to live. Satisfying; but, with no goal anymore that is specific to bringing me joy. A life of duty and I am burnt out.

I have general goals; but, no specific goal anymore. I have always believed that if you were sad, the best thing you can do is go out and help someone else. I do that daily and am not sad. Joy is much more confusing to me. What do you do to make you glad to wake up in the morning, not what do you do to not kill yourself. There is a big difference.

When I get up in the morning, I usually think, "Great, one more day" except it is sarcasm that is coming from me. I wonder how many more fights I have left in me. I feel I fought my last big one and anything remaining can only be a joke. No challenge or only challenges that are not mine. As I prepare to retire I understand this only too well. Not enough time left for certain battles because they are someone else's, someone younger who will be there to finish it.

I have always said there are two types of people, the dangerous and the irrelevant. I am still dangerous; but, less relevant. The future will be for others as I tie up loose ends and then fade away. I am okay with that. Yet, I still wish for purpose in my life. I preach on the weekends and enjoy it; but, I have never felt called to do it. I was asked to and I knew I could and wanted to be of help; but, I do not spend all week looking forward to it. I don't dread it, I just don't feel driven to it. It does not fascinate my mind as it should. It is not my passion; but, I am pleased to be of assistance. It has certainly made me enjoy church more because it causes me to read and think about the bible.

I would have to say that the most purposeful I feel in my life is when I am preparing and writing this blog. I feel like I am doing something that someone else could not, express myself in a way unique to me that will be of value to someone else. Perhaps joy is more a question of enjoying the process. I have enjoying the process, it is a chore, a thing to be dealt with in order to achieve a goal even when the goal has no personal benefit. Joy occurs when your role in the process fits your personality and your dreams and goals. I have no more personal goals.

What do you do when you have given your all, regardless of outcome? What do you do when you have no more personal goals? What do you do when you transition from dangerous to irrelevant? General MacArthur said that old generals just faded away. Is that my fate? To just fade away, to rest and be petted. How sad for an old sheep dog. How sad.

I should have gone out on my shield, I should have died fighting. What do you do with a working dog when it can no longer do it's job? How do you think the dog feels about that? The urge is still there, it is it's nature; but, the heart is no longer there. The last battle should be to the death, there should be a battle worthy of one's life. How can anyone choose to be irrelevant, that is to choose hell. Think about the intro to this blog, "You Matter". I did not look; but, I know I said that because you do, you matter and so do I and so does every sentient being that ever existed.

What is the greatest hope you can have, what will last you through eternity? I think it should be that by loving others you increase the total amount of love in the universe. That we individually can create more love than existed without us and I have lived my life to do that. What does it mean if I have failed? It is bedtime and I have run out of thoughts for the moment. Have a great weekend and have joy.