You Are Confused

Want to hear the first rap song, it was by some white guys from Boston. The J Geils Band, it was called "Musta Got Lost", listen to it and tell me I am wrong.

YouTube - Musta Got Lost - J Geils Band

Music is not owned by a race or a person, it is universal. Music is something that can touch us all, that means it is owned by us all. Why would you deny anyone that freedom, that music? Stop being a douche and look for everyone to participate in joy.

A Surprise for Sunday - I Had to Preach

I woke up early today and had a text message on my phone. The lead pastor of our church was taken to the emergency room and he wanted me to lead the service today. I was absolutely unprepared as I wasn't going to speak until next week and I hadn't even decided what I am going to speak on next week.

When I got to the church I was told that the pastor had been released from the hospital and was resting at home. I said that if he showed up at the church he was going to get a piece of my mind. The service went well and we all enjoyed some home made fruit salad afterwards.

The service was a simple one and although I rarely post about religion on this blog, I wish to summarize it for my dear readers. I turned to the congregation and asked them what they would do if the lead pastor had died. We are a small church and it is primarily Hispanic. I should point out that the services are in Spanish and I have to be translated because I don't speak Spanish.

I asked the congregation if they understood that it was their church and not the pastors. I mentioned how Paul started churches and might have only visited them once or twice. A church is not a building, it is not a pastor, it is the congregation of believers. The pastor may be responsible for advising and teaching; but, it is the congregations responsibility to bring people in and participate together in doing the work of the Lord.

You can go to church everyday of your life and hear as many sermons as possible and it still will not make you a Christian. You can be as sinless as possible and still not be a Christian. If you are truly a Christian then you will be of service to others. If this world is truly a spiritual battle then I cannot understand why anyone would go in unarmed. Our service to others and our living our beliefs is our armor and weapons.

Everyone told me the service went well and I was relieved. I joke a lot in my services and I always worry that the jokes wont be understood, I worry my humor will be lost in the translation; but, so far so good. I joke because, while I am not a fire and brimstone sort of a person, I deliver messages of responsibility and relationship. I am not there to make people feel good about themselves or beat them up for past sins, I am there to tell them what it means to be a Christian and explain parts of the bible that they may not have understood.

After the service someone came up to me and thanked me for my sermon. He told me that he thought I was a good speaker and thought it was interesting that I was able to take anything available and preach on it. I didn't know how to explain it to him. It is like this blog, I don't plan it out. I know what I believe and everything else is just an example.

That was all just a lead in to say this. I haven't read the news today and have nothing on my mind. Oh and we have a new follower. Hello Raye. Welcome to a look into my twisted little mind at work.

Saying Goodbye

I spent the last couple of days with one of my children. We had a nice time and then she had to leave because she is moving somewhere new. I took her to the train station and kissed her goodbye. I felt sad when she left, I always do. I have had to say goodbye to a lot of people in the last few years. Saying goodbye is always hard.

I post this link for my youngest, it is a favorite of hers.

YouTube - The Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps (2009 Stereo Remaster)

It is at moments like this that I think about what it was like for my parents when I (the youngest) moved out. All of my children are adults, no more kids for me. That time has passed and I did the job I did on trying to raise them and be a good example. In the end, they will take from it what they will.

YouTube - Paul Anka - Times of your life

Just a short thought, I plan a longer post tonight.

Does Heroin Really Make You Happy?

Not too long ago someone asked me if I was happy. I thought about it and said "No". I am not unhappy; but, I would not say I am happy. I am content and at peace and those are good things; but, happy, no I am not sure I even know what it feels like to be happy. The person I was talking to said that "it" (happiness) wasn't a priority of mine. I had to agree, it is not a priority. Taking care of myself and others, doing the right thing and growing in understanding are priorities.

In reviewing my life I would have to say that I lived a life of constant and enormous stress. Eventually the stress became so severe that it blew one of my eyes out. The stress was willingly lived, I understood that my path was not the easy one and I took it because I thought it was the right one. When I thought I was going to die, I was happy with who I was. I lived my life as me and helped others. Joy was reserved for heaven if that is what it meant.

I was wrong, not about my life; but, about joy. We should have joy in our hearts. I think the divorce and all the deaths kicked the joy out of me. That is only partly true, I think that until recently I wasn't that emotional a person in the first place. Emotions never seemed that important to me. As I was growing up I saw people being emotional and wasn't that impressed (do you sense a little autism in the Pimpernel). Lets say that I started with 30% joy in my life and life managed to kick it down to 5%.

Today I determined that I needed to be open to joy in my life. I have to clarify something, I am not unhappy, in fact I laugh quite often. I do not lack happiness, I lack joy. To me, "Joy" has an element of hope rather than momentary pleasure. I don't have any hope in this life for the lightheartedness of joy because there is nothing I see this world having to offer me and there is nothing I seek from it.

I had made all of these plans for my life and the divorce pretty much changed all of that as they were mainly around making my wife happy when I retired. I never cared about money, fame or obtaining any material thing. I also need to point out that I believe my ex-wife would prefer to think I was joyous, I do not believe she wants me unhappy and I do not wish her to be. In fact, I told her that I wished she and her new boyfriend joyfulness. That was actually the word I used and I meant it.

If you asked me what would make me happy, I would say "more sleep and more laughter". If you asked me what would make me joyous, I wouldn't have an answer. I sound so pitiful and it is not like that. I think to have joy, you must have passion and there is no longer anything I am passionate about, nothing to achieve and nothing to obtain. Nothing that matters more than my life and that is a life of service. That is a good life to live. Satisfying; but, with no goal anymore that is specific to bringing me joy. A life of duty and I am burnt out.

I have general goals; but, no specific goal anymore. I have always believed that if you were sad, the best thing you can do is go out and help someone else. I do that daily and am not sad. Joy is much more confusing to me. What do you do to make you glad to wake up in the morning, not what do you do to not kill yourself. There is a big difference.

When I get up in the morning, I usually think, "Great, one more day" except it is sarcasm that is coming from me. I wonder how many more fights I have left in me. I feel I fought my last big one and anything remaining can only be a joke. No challenge or only challenges that are not mine. As I prepare to retire I understand this only too well. Not enough time left for certain battles because they are someone else's, someone younger who will be there to finish it.

I have always said there are two types of people, the dangerous and the irrelevant. I am still dangerous; but, less relevant. The future will be for others as I tie up loose ends and then fade away. I am okay with that. Yet, I still wish for purpose in my life. I preach on the weekends and enjoy it; but, I have never felt called to do it. I was asked to and I knew I could and wanted to be of help; but, I do not spend all week looking forward to it. I don't dread it, I just don't feel driven to it. It does not fascinate my mind as it should. It is not my passion; but, I am pleased to be of assistance. It has certainly made me enjoy church more because it causes me to read and think about the bible.

I would have to say that the most purposeful I feel in my life is when I am preparing and writing this blog. I feel like I am doing something that someone else could not, express myself in a way unique to me that will be of value to someone else. Perhaps joy is more a question of enjoying the process. I have enjoying the process, it is a chore, a thing to be dealt with in order to achieve a goal even when the goal has no personal benefit. Joy occurs when your role in the process fits your personality and your dreams and goals. I have no more personal goals.

What do you do when you have given your all, regardless of outcome? What do you do when you have no more personal goals? What do you do when you transition from dangerous to irrelevant? General MacArthur said that old generals just faded away. Is that my fate? To just fade away, to rest and be petted. How sad for an old sheep dog. How sad.

I should have gone out on my shield, I should have died fighting. What do you do with a working dog when it can no longer do it's job? How do you think the dog feels about that? The urge is still there, it is it's nature; but, the heart is no longer there. The last battle should be to the death, there should be a battle worthy of one's life. How can anyone choose to be irrelevant, that is to choose hell. Think about the intro to this blog, "You Matter". I did not look; but, I know I said that because you do, you matter and so do I and so does every sentient being that ever existed.

What is the greatest hope you can have, what will last you through eternity? I think it should be that by loving others you increase the total amount of love in the universe. That we individually can create more love than existed without us and I have lived my life to do that. What does it mean if I have failed? It is bedtime and I have run out of thoughts for the moment. Have a great weekend and have joy.

A New Follower - I am honored

As I was logging in to the blog today I noticed the site had acquired a new follower. I checked the profile and it turns out to be a lovely young lady who is a real writer. It also appears she is a Christian as am I. I think I felt intimidated for a moment, intimidated to have a real author reading my stuff. I am not generally an insecure person as my readers may have guessed.

I searched her on the net and read one of her poems about love called "When I thought of You". I rather liked it. I liked the sentiment and the way she said it. I am not the same kind of writer. I can get my thoughts together and explain myself; but, I am not as good at expressing myself, I don't do well expressing the feel of an emotion.

Welcome Ms Kuehlke. It is an honor to have you read my paltry words. My little blog here is not advertised anywhere, has no real theme and is not as consistent as I would wish. I know a writer should write everyday; but, somedays I just don't have anything to say. Please feel free at anytime to give me advice on my writing by sending a comment. I should add something, I allow anonymous followers *don't know who most of them are", anonymous comments and don't use real names. I only mentioned yours because it is already on display and I must assume that you knew that.

I have never really done this before; but, in honor or your joining I will release some general information about myself. Firstly, I am incredibly handsome. I am tall and muscular with a keen mind and a stand up comedians persona. People love me the minute they see me. In my spare time I sell Mexican beer on television. I am......

I am in my early 50s, short and bald. I am just another old analyst who writes boring contracts and instruction manuals and lengthy, boring reports. This blog is my tool for loving the written word, it is my opportunity to write without rules; but, just to write. I write about things that I think people should consider. I try to inform and amuse and the focus is on inform. I have been told that my writing sounds the same as talking to me in person, I leave that as always to the reader who knows me to decide.

One final thing about my writing, it is freeflow and I don't grammer check. Each post gets one chance and I don't remember every correcting anything after I publish it. I reside in California along with my dog and a friend. I am not on a no-fly list; but, I am on a Watch List and I do not know the reason; but, I figured if they wanted to watch, they might enjoy watching this blog. That is the first time that I have let anyone know that.

Dear Ms. Kuehlke (I do hope I pronounced that properly), I do not know what caused you to notice or read this silly little blog of mine; but, I want you to know that I take my readers seriously and I hope to bring things to all of your attentions that you might not otherwise have noticed. My next post is going to be about how I don't know what joy is.

Lynn Tilton and Patriarch Partners

I was talking to a dear friend today and mentioned a woman I had recently heard about named Lynn Tilton, she is the head of a company called Patriarch Partners. I told him I would post some information on her and this is it.

Ms. Tilton owns about 47 different companies in as many industries as you can imagine. She buys companies that manufacture in the United States that are getting ready to go out of business, fixes them up and turns them around. She is committed to creating good jobs for Americans and has been compared to Warren Buffet. I don't spend a lot of time praising people on this site; but, I will absolutely praise her focus and intent.

Part of what destroyed this country was the selling off of our manufacturing abilities. During the 80s "investors" bought U.S. companies with the sole intent of selling the building and equipment which were worth more than the annual profit. Short term profits over the long term profitability of the United States. Ms. Tilton seems to take the opposite approach (she also likes to wear very short skirts which is okay with me).

Here is the link to her companies website which includes a bio on her. Patriarch Partners.

Ms. Tilton is also seeking to hire and executive assistant. I would consider applying except, I don't like to travel much anymore. If you are interested, here is a link to a story about the job.

LAObserved - Looking for work? Lynn Tilton needs an executive assistant

If there is some young gun out there that has the right stuff for the job, they would be better off working for her than taking a job on Wall Street. At least at the end of your career you could talk about all the jobs you created rather than all the people whose pensions you lost.

Gene Modification is Good For Investors

Silk from goat milk. Doesn't that just sound wrong. If they can modify goats to produce silk, what could they modify humans to do? What if they could modify humans to never be depressed? Your children or parents die and it doesn't effect you at all. What if they could modify us to be always happy? You could be tortured in prison and enjoy it.

With each genetically modified thing comes the opportunity to create a new virus that can skip across species, just like AIDS did. The question truly is not if, it is when. However, there is a lot of money to be made in the meantime. The linked short promotional video below is from Fidelity Investments, it is less than three minutes.

YouTube - Thinking Big: Synthetic Biology - Fidelity Investments

There is a link to their company website just bellow the video.