I miss my mother

Oh, dear reader, I miss my mother. She passed away ten years ago. I buried her, now I will bury her last sister near her. I try not to go to that cemetary. I prefer to think about my missing loved ones.

MUCH LATER

I am watching all the doors close at the same time. It is my job to turn off the light. "To sleep, perchance to dream". They keep telling me that I should be dead; but, instead all around me die. Where is fairness?

My words will not come together as they should. I cannot convey my absent mindedness. I cannot synthesize what is going through my mind. My cousin said he would consider having my ex at the funeral if I asked. I do not wish to see her. She is still in the evil realm until she admits to me what she did. Doesn't matter that I know, that I read or that I saw. She needs to admit it.

Three years ago, right after I found out. I begged my aunt to let my ex see her with the kids at Christmas. The ex does not know that. I also had to beg my nephew not to tell her what he thought of her. I am no longer so bound. I did what I did for my children and remaining family. The ones left can handle it if I change my attitude.

I have not made my decision. If I allow her to come, it means I have allowed a door to be ajar rather than close completely. Tough one. I think I will probably leave the door as slightly ajar as possible, forgiveness, grace. Things she said she did not want from me. I wonder if she will feel the same if I let her come and then tell her how her whoring destroyed us? But, that I will not do unless she comes without permission. At that point, all bets are off.

LATER STILL

This is a horrible time in the history of this world. Few good things coming, at least they will not last long. Times and a time, words that repeat in my head. What do they mean? I do not know. Perhaps someday I will.

LATER

Sorry, phone calls and stuff. I want chocolate. Shit, I have a Heath Bar, got it earlier and forgot. Spoke to my cousin, they are wheeling my aunt out of the house. We had a moment of silence. He and I. Time to go to Vegas. In two weeks.

My aunt liked Vegas and owned property in Nevada. My sister lives there. In Nevada. It is only three hours away. I like the Rio Hotel. They have always treated me the best. If I am in Vegas, I know I am safe because I can go to the Rio. I was not paid anything for that comment. They just were the best.

We will go to Vegas, he and I. He used to go to Vegas with my dad and I, before my dad passed away. Now begins the ritual for our new generation. What will it be? It will be the same as it has with the Irish for centuries, a party. All parties are good, the form is merely form.

When one of ours dies, one that was a participant, we have a party. Those who attend become the core of the future, those who do not, they become whatever. Sorry, lost my choo choo.

Did I have a choo choo? Maybe not. Wandering thoughts at best. That is what our mind should do at such times, wander. Be well. I think I need to stop trying to write.

Dear Reader

I just received the call. My aunt has passed away. She was the elder of the family, the last of three sisters. She had watched two of her sons pass away during her life and two of her sisters and brother. She is out of pain now.

A time of passings.

Single Again

I got a call from my attorney. She is great. She told me the paperwork was finalized and accepted by the court, I am officially single. Look out ladies. LOL. Apparently, it was finalized on April 15th.

It has taken three years. It has been a long, annoying experience and it is done. All she gets now is money.

I have dated a bit; but, did not get serious because I was not divorced officially. I enjoyed dating, being out to dinner with wonderful ladies. I enjoyed knowing that there were so many wonderful women out there. I think my heart had to have hope again. It does.

There are people who after having their spouse cheat on them never trust the opposite sex again. I chose not to go down that road. I choose to trust and to love again and now I am free to. I left my marriage with clean hands. I had even offerred to reconcile because I believe in marriage.

Tonight I am going to open a bottle of champagne. Not to celebrate divorce, I grived my divorce for three years. I am celebrating a new beginning. For the first time in 27 years I am no longer in a relationship. I am single. I am at peace.

I do not feel a need to get in a new relationship. I do not feel pressured to be with someone. I look forward to being with that special someone, it will happen when it happens. I am neither avoiding it nor pushing it.

My house is being sold, my aunt is dying, I am divorced. Lots of endings. With these endings comes a new adventure. I do not know where it will take me. All my life I knew what I wanted to do and have done it. Now, I have no plans. I don't need any. What a strange feeling it is.

I wish to thank my family and friends for having helped through my trials. I don't know what I would have done without all the love and support I have been given. I thank my friends in Oregon and Washington for giving me hope that I could be social.

I think this is a time for rest for me. A time for putting things away. I have forgiven the ex and even her "friend". I have forgiven them in my heart. A time for putting things away. What is behind me, is behind me. What is in front of me is yet to be determined.

I am ready to begin a new chapter. I enter it with clean hands. Not everyone can do that. I never cheated on my wife, I never abused her and gave all I had. I have no regrets for anything. Did the best I could, the outcomes are what they are. All we can do is our best.

Waiting on the next phone call

I am waiting for the next phone call from my cousin. Need to know what he needs done. In the meantime I am keeping myself occupied reading the news.

I wish to make a prediction. Everytime you log onto the internet, you are assigned what is known as an IP address. Some internet providers give one each time you connect to their system. The IP address can change based on where you are connecting. If I am travelling and use differant hotels the IP for my computer will change each time.

My prediction is that IP addresses will be permanently assigned to individuals someday, same as a Social Security Number. The better to track you my dearie. It is but a minor guess and a relatively easy one at that.

Did you catch the article about the cameras in Pennsylvania laptops. Turns out the school had tens of thousands of photos of kids in their homes. George Orwell had nothing on these clowns. I will tell you right here and now that the next ten years are going to make your head spin. We will see more change than in the last 1,000 years.

The changes that are coming are decisions for individuals to make about their lives. If you wish to compete in business, you will need to "upgrade". Your life will rely on technology if you let it, if you want the cookies. Our relationship with our government will continue to change. At some point we will believe that we have more input, that will be a mistake. We will have more input over non-essentials. We will have less input over how the game is played.

Here is a prediction. How bout home schooling. LOL. There is not enough money to pay for enough teachers. What if rather than building schools, children could attend any school they wanted on line from home? Save a bunch of money. You would only learn from the "best" teachers and would not need as many. We will see the best working and the rest on permanent unemployment/welfare. We will see this in other industries also.

Most people are so busy looking for their cookie that they cannot see the infrastructure change. Watch the infrastructure. In boxing, you do not watch your opponents fists, you watch his shoulders and will know where his fist is going sooner.

On Passings

Today the Doctors finally told us that my aunt will not be getting better. Instead she will be passing on. I have made the arrangement for eight or nine funerals in the past ten years starting with my mother. The last funeral I arranged was for four family members at one time. I do not know how many other funerals I have attended as I lost count, my therapist says I should not try to remember. I agree.

Each passing is differant. Two of the people I knew went off the side of mountains. Quick and scary; but, they died immediately. Five died from cancer or side effects of chemo or radiation. Those were the most difficult. They lingered and experienced too much pain.

My mother died unexpectedly while on vacation. A vessel in her brain burst. She was the first of the group that followed. I was not there when she passed away. I held my father's hand as he passed on. I watched him drift away. It was peaceful after over a year of non-peace.

Something I have learned is that often the people passing on know it is coming. When they do, they also seem to know when it is time to just let this world go. When they come to that point, they become calm, not scared. I believe God reaches out to them in those moments and helps them to the next place.

When I was in law school, I used to ride a motorcycle to the college. One day I was coming down a hill. At the bottom of the hill was a traffic signal. I knew where it was. I looked at it to see what color it was, it was red and then changed to green. I knew that I did not need to slow down and so I sped up. Unfortunately a number of cars decided to hit each other in front of me, they did the car dance and managed to completely block the lane as I was headed to them at about 70 miles an hour.

You cannot stop a motorcycle doing 70 in a block. I attempted to break. On a bike it is best to use the rear break so as not to flip the bike. I did use the rear, the tire swung back and forth, not a good thing. I blacked out about 20 feet away from the cars, next thing I knew I was on the other side of them, unhurt and still on the bike. I looked back and the cars had not moved. It made no sense to me then and I still do not know what happened. I knew it was a miracle. I stopped riding bikes not long after, no need to push it.

I have told that story for over 25 years and tell people I still don't know what happened. Sometimes God intervenes. It was not my day to die. I have poisoned twice and still those were not my days either. Then there is the story of the politician who stubbed his toe and died, it infected. There is one man who has been struck by lightening 7 times, 7. The odds of being struck by lightning are one in 700,000. Want to calculate his odds?

The point is that it is hard to tell when you will die. Some people have survived jumping from the Golden Gate bridge. What I know is that we all pass on. When you do pass on, your perspective changes. All the garbage of this world falls away when you know your time has come. You see what your life really meant to yourself and others, even the lies fail.

I sat in my Mercedes SLK in Baker, California one day waiting to die. I had all the signs of a heart attack. I believed in my heart that my time had come, I was wrong. One day I will be right, maybe today; but, I sort of doubt it as my health has improved. That does not mean that I will not be hit by lightning.

When a loved one passes we are saddened, we are saddened for OUR loss. When a loved one has been in pain, we are saddened; but, there is a part that is glad they no longer in senseless pain. When a loved one dies quickly, we are shocked, especially if they are young.

We have lengthened our average lifespan, not the limit. We have not changed the outcome and never will. Not on this earth. This is but a place of temporary placement, a learning ground. Some people fear passing on so much that they try to find a way to live on earth forever, to never grow.

I feel sorry for aethiests, they have nothing to look forward to. I like what W.C. Fields said; "I feel sorry for a man who doesn't drink, when he wakes up in the morning he knows that is the best he is going to feel all day".

Life is temporary, a vapor in eternity. Even if we lived to be a thousand years old it is still just a vapor. There are people who would sell their soul for eternal life on earth. That is quite insane. If you have a soul then you are already eternal, just new journeys to explore. Why would anyone want to stagnate on earth?

I pulled my back this morning, I am having some difficulty sitting up. Still, I have managed to begin making arrangement for my aunt's funeral. I make them in my head, remember who, what, where and how. We will have bagpipers at the funeral. We will all get together, those of us who are left, we will drink and play cards and tell stories about each other and my aunt.

Wakes are for the living. It is our attempt to come to grips with the fact that we have lost a dear one. Sometimes I achieve a goal and want to call my mother or father, I cannot, they are dead. My mother never saw me rise to the hight of my industry, never knew what she had contributed so much to. My dad did, he was very proud. I am grateful that he knew.

I am not afraid of death, not mine and not others. I am however saddened when those I love are no longer around so that we can interact. I believe with my whole being that there is something beyond this life. Some people have had near death experiences, there is a lot of talk about it at the moment.

Some scientists, sound like experts to me, believe the experience is linked to carbon dioxide; but, that answer does not work. The experiences that people have are very similar. Some blame it on DMT being released, that does not work either, the experiences are too similar. The truth is that some get a glimpse into the next world, it is merely a glimpse. It results in calmness.

My world is all passings at the moment, losing my house, finalizing divorce and watching my last elder who I interact with pass on. With every passing comes a new beginning. We must honor our passings, experience them, grieve, remember and move on. It takes as long as it takes, we should not linger in any part too long or we stagnate.

Paying for Sex

Now that should get someone's attention. There is a professor at a local university who runs a website dedicated to rating and finding sex in Thailand. The University was contacted and he refuses to shut down the site.

College and Sex Sites

Now, paying for sex is legal in many countries including England and Australia. Personally, I do not believe in prostitution. Heck, I do not believe in promiscuity; but, these are personal beliefs. They are in regard to what I would endulge in. If the sex trade with adults is legal in Thailand, how can it be illegal or even improper for someone to post about it.

I want to be clear, according to the article, the Professor specifically states that sex with minors will not be discussed nor condoned. We can discuss what is the appropriate age of consent; however, in the United States it is usually under 18.

The question then becomes should people in America be allowed legally to support things that are illegal in America being done in other countries where it is legal. The question is harder than one might assume. In Europe it is legal to have sex with animals. It is not legal in America. Should Americans be allowed to travel to Europe to have sex with animals? How would we know their reason for travelling?

The general rule is very biblical, when in Rome do as the romans. This is to say that you must follow the laws of the country you are in. It gets complicated if you marry a ten year old in Saudi Arabia and then bring her to the United States. You are now in violation of our laws and have chosen to be here so you have chosen to be under our laws. Jail time.

The internet makes national boundaries less clear. The answer is still to be found. If all one does is talk about it then it would seem to be a matter of free speech. If they are making money from it then they have crossed the boundaries. This is to say that putting up a website that had people pay to have sex with minors in other countries violates our laws regardless of the country that the sex occurred in.

Marijuana is illegal in Japan, very much so. Should a Japenese blogger go to jail for rating marijuana sold in America? What if he told Americans who to buy it from? What if he had people in America selling it and taking a profit?

These could be questions of international law or local law. The decision will be left to the courts and congress. The right decision is to allow societies to choose for themselves rather than having international law imposed on them. Think about it.

Odd Bits

Just some random links, maybe you can find meaning in them.

Two rabbis kneecapped in Los Angeles

No charges against former General Manager of Bldg and Safety

Elliott Broidy Pension Corruption

Broidy connections

Los Angeles money laundering and the Israel connection

So if you read the articles and the prior ones on pensions a picture emerges. An odd picture to be sure. There appears to be government pension money going to investments in Israel including the pension for the City of Los Angeles. The investments fail to the tune of $350 million and no investigation is done.

At the same time, Los Angeles was being used as a major source for money laundering, again, going back to Israel. The Prime Minister in Israel who brought the pension funds over is hiding in Spain and is being charged with corruption in Israel.

As things were unfolding, kidnappings and kneecappings are going on. Who knows what and who is talking? Well, Mr. Broidy is talking. Seeing as he moved hundreds of millions of dollars, he might be saying interesting things. It is funny how most of these people invested in politiicians. Heck, Broidy was a major supporter of the governor and the Mayor.

How does someone, anyone, justify receiving over $200 million just for making introductions. Mr. Villalobos. If you clicked the link, you now know that Mr. Villalobos was a Deputy Mayor under Riordan. Another tie between CalPers and the City of Los Angeles retirment systems. Another tie to another man who is investigated for corruption.

Public funds are the next Madoff

By the way, this is not some stupid "Jewish" conspiracy. This is international corruption and the players are all over. When the pension investigations are over, you will find that every religious and non-religious group was involved. It is about greed and corruption.

The people involved were less concerned about nationality and religion than they were with money. The people who took kickbacks, the pension board members, the businesses, they represented a wide range of interests.

What is amusing is that what finally broke the story was money from the pensions going to Peggy Lipton, an actress and funding a film she made. What is the nature of corruption?

Corruption is a moral fault, it is allowing oneself to do as one pleases and not worrying how it impacts others, it is the heart of the rat race. We do know right from wrong, we feel it in our hearts. Greed and lust go together and lead to corruption. Wherever I find one, I find the other.

The solution to corruption can either be a lack of privacy and close control or a change in our ways. People do not start out as adulterers or liars or thieves, they work towards it over years. They give up boundaries in exchange for treasure. The bible says something about where ones true heart is there also is what they treasure. What do you treasure?

We should treasure one another and doing what is best for all. Do you? What do you treasure? You can figure it out by looking at what you protect and seek. Excuses do not change the reality of what we seek. Coming up with justifications for why we seek it does not change WHAT we seek. It is a matter of trade offs.

Dogs do not know the differance between right and wrong. They merely know what they like and have to do to get it. They like cookies and don't like being hit. People can rise above that and live by intent. It just takes the willingness and want.

What happens when we all do as we wish and don't worry about each other. It becomes a competition of the most corrupt and a brutal world.