Some song lyrics from a group called Marmalade
"The changing of sunlight to moonlight
Reflections of my life, oh, how they fill my eyes
The greetings of people in trouble
Reflections of my life, oh, how they fill my eyes
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home
All my cryings (all my cryings), feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back to my own home (oh I'm going home)
I'm changing, arranging, I'm changing
I'm changing everything, ah, everything around me
The world is a bad place, a bad place
A terrible place to live, oh, but I don't wanna die
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back, to my old home
All my cryings, (all my cryings),feel i'm dying, dying
Take me back to my old home (i'm going home)
All my sorrows, sad tomorrows
Take me back, (take me back) to my old home"
The song has a really good melody, I might add. And, no, I am not feeling melancholy, just heard the song and happen to like it. In fact, at the moment, my mind is just wandering. I spent the day getting things ready for the mortgage company and driving people around.
It is funny, sometimes things are, I spent the day working on giving away what I spent a lifetime working for. I will not say earned, kids in India and other places work harder for less than we get. "Earned" is the lie we tell ourselves to justify others getting less, we don't want to feel guilty.
I prepared a financial statement for my mortgage company. Gruesome. I keep a third of what I make and it goes to bills and getting me to work. No excess, no extra. Some people might look at this and say that I have been cheated or the system failed or nice guys finish last or whatever. They would say that I deserve some extra. LOL.
I have always had what I needed and always will. What I need. I am still here so I have always had what I needed. There are some things I would have liked to have had; but, I really don't know what they are right now. I want for nothing and miss nothing except people who have passed on.
The most important thing to me, the thing I wanted the most was to be myself. To chart my own development, my own course and live with the consequences. To be me and not sell out to the cookies. I have done so and will continue to. F'em all.
There was a time, when everything came undone, it was a time that I felt I had lost a part of myself. Prior to that things had begone to unravel and I had worked as hard as I could to keep things together. It was if everything in the world was working against me. I pushed till I broke, then I crawled. I did not give up, I came apart; but, kept trying.
I spent about a year with the feeling that I had lost part of myself, the worst thing in my life. It was worse than any pain I can describe, a feeling that I was not me. I got me back and it is the only thing I fear losing. That is not true, I don't fear losing it because I refuse to.
There is not one material thing I fear losing. Actually, my intent is to get rid of it all, except my clothes and car. Still, it is strange looking at what I do keep for my work and what I must give up because the ex chose to sleep around.
I am no hippie, pretty much part of the establishment. I am no Buddhist or guru. I am not flower child or anarchist. I just want to be rid of the material garbage that seems to crowd our lives. I just don't like a lot of crap in my life. Too much stuff to care for takes us away from people. I like people, even ones who are still making mistakes, that would be all of us.
I was in my car with a younger man. We were discussing helping people and paying things forward. That is all I ask of anyone I have ever helped.
I was nudged to consider what I wanted out of life again. Little. Little in the way of stuff. More than I ever had in other ways. I want more peace and more relationship. I want to talk to more people and not be rushed all of the time. I will trade stuff for that.
I am ready, emotionally, to leave this world behind me; but, in no hurry to do so. There is nothing on my list of things to do before I die except the will of my Lord. That is about it. Can't think of anything I want or need. Can't think of anything I feel a need to do to prove myself, already done it.
To some this may sound sad. Not to me. I am quite satisfied with what I became, what I molded myself into. Things turn out as they do. We can only look at how we approached life. Someone in Haiti had just been told they had been promoted when the earthquake came and they died. They had no control over the earthquake.
Have a great night.
