My Brother

I haven't written about this because I wasn't ready to. In fact, I have refused to talk to anyone other than my best friend and even then, very little. He died walking into a casino on his day off, dropped over in the parking lot, dead in a second. He had just completed a physical with flying colors a couple of months before (he had to get one a year as a commercial truck driver). He had just become 65. I turn 65 in 2 months and my health sucks. Means nothing.

We don't get to choose when we go or I would have died over a decade ago. For the one's we leave behind, there is never a good time. I loved my brother very much; he was something else. He could be a jerk or loving; but, isn't that true for all of us. He knew all my bullshit and I knew his. We talked every Sunday at 1 in the morning, when he started his work week and usually for 5 hours or so. I am retired and could do that. I haven't cried yet, cannot handle it; but I pray I am greeted by him when I pass away.

I lost the love of my life in 2011; space and time had separated us. Bad luck or fate. She died a long, horrible death, long, years. I have personally buried about a dozen loved ones and friends. I think about Julia every day, usually when I am going to bed and listening to songs about love.

I cannot travel anymore, heck, I cannot walk half a mile. My brother and I agreed if one of us died, the other didn't need to come out for the funeral. I just thought it would be me first. I have been retired almost 10 years, he never got to retire because his wife had a major stroke, and he knew he had to work for the rest of his life to take care of her. He never bitched about it.

I don't know what it all means. When my ex left me after 24 years for another, my brother said, "there are some lessons you wish you never have to learn". I have no song to play for the one's I have lost, my brother liked the Beach Boys and Bread, Julia loved classical music and played the Cello (of all things). My daughters have said they want to play "My Way" sung by Frank Sinatra when I go.

My best friend, like a brother to me, just lost a family member. All I can say is I love him and his family and I wish they didn't have to experience this. That is all you can say. My brother taught me that.