Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Struggle and a Good Friend

Firstly, I wish to say that I am in a good place, physically and mentally. I think the thing is that I never want to be where I was again three years ago. Part of it was my fault, I didn't spend anytime protecting my boundaries and that allowed people in my personal life to take advantage of the kindess that I had shown them over the years.

I am now establishing my boundaries again and some things are no longer acceptable. If people have a problem with me or that then they can pound sand. In the future it is take me or leave me; but, that is it.

I was told something, a detail about what my ex-wife had done. I hadn't known the detail and it gave me another reason to think about how bad she had acted. It surprised me that it had that effect, doesn't matter what the detail was. I was talking to a friend and he reminded me that the details of the betrayal are best left unkown, I had to agree.

On one level, the fact that my ex was able to admit what she did was a very good thing for her, it means she is able to tell the truth again. I applaud that and hope she continues to grow. I did not speak to the ex myself. None of this is about my ex, it is more about me and processing information.

It made me wonder how I would deal with a possibility, the possibility that my ex would ever tell me the whole truth. I used to think that would at least allow us to not hate being in the same room or City or state (joking). Now, I think I really don't want to know the details, I think I know enough. My friend helped me see that. He had been cheated on and got to ask about and listen to the gory details, he said it was a mistake, it just made it hurt again. I think I have hurt enough.

I was going down the escalator in my building and a very beautful woman, maybe 35 to 40, hard to tell because she was kind of ageless. She got on behind a number of steps back and went "Hey". It was weird, I knew it was because of me, we were the only ones there. I turned around and sort of went "Yes". She said she had thought I was someone else, apparently someone she liked. This is pretty good for a guy with Autism.

I smiled and said that a lot of pretty women like me, I have the body of a 29 year old man and he wants it back because I was wrinkling it (a very old joke). She laughed and said that she thought I was handsome and had the body of a 29 year old man. I generally prefer the truth; however, a compliment from a pretty woman is always appreciated. It happened while I was thinking about the little detail.

I don't know how long it takes to get over things like what happened to me. Having the person you trust the most violate your trust in the most fundamental ways is hard. We have process things and learn from them to truly get over them rather than attempting to sweep them under the rug. Issues don't resolve themselves and if not resolved they become bitterness and resent. I don't really want those things in my life so I continue to try and resolve, make sense of what happened to me. I think understanding that the detail will not assist in the effort makes it easier, I think I know all I need to know for me.

While I was initially upset by the detail, I really don't care, it really doesn't matter anymore. The detail did not really make things worse or better, I already knew enough and that was bad enough, heck I am still paying the bills for her actions and their dinners. I don't even waste my time looking at them.

I am attempting to put mind in order (a messy thing at best). My move is complete, my finances while severely limited are getting a little better and I will be able to pay off some of the credit cards. I haven't used them in two years anyways. I also get to make the final payment to my attorney, she was very good to me and I appreciate her.

I need some new suits; but, I need to close out the past more. I need to put this relationship six feet under, it should never have happened in the first place. You cannot be together for 25 years and not have memories, I do not see any good ones, they were damaged by the bad ones. Still, it was part of my life and I do not like the idea of erasing memories, I like the idea of learning from them.

My life provides plenty of examples for me to learn from. I also need to learn to remember that there were some good times. I think part of the problem is that knowing what I know now means that even the good times were not what I thought; but, they were my experience at the time. Let me try an example.

Lets say that you are sitting across from your brother in a restaurant and telling each other jokes, that is a good experience. Now five years later you find out that your brother had stole money from you, that would change how you felt about him and all of your experiences together. Now you find out that it was at the restaurant as you were laughing and telling jokes that he stole your money using his smartphone and your bank infomation. Kinda changes the experience doesn't it; yet, what you felt at the time was real for you.

When someone violates all of your trust, how do you redefine your time together? That is the problem with lies. I don't know what was real and what was a lie, I don't know which days she came being with him and sat and ate at the table with me, discussed bills or events. I don't know and the details she wouldn't know either, she might remember one or two by not two thousand. We can now look at all of it as bad or only be worried about what feelings I did have at the time, neither seems quite right or honest. That leaves the third choice accept that a large part of your relationship with this other person was a lie and that you will know which parts were real. All of the memories are tainted; but, none of them is completely destroyed until you have the details.

I think getting a undeserved compliment from a pretty girl helps. I am in a new place and have possibilities open to me and can enjoy my life again, maybe for the first time. I can look ahead instead of behind; but, there is always a behind and it is part of my life and I can continue to learn from it. With time and distance and my new family and support system, I am redefining the rest of my life and it will not be like the first half.

I was work today and saw some news about the tornadoes that went through the south. Pretty scary stuff. Someone asked me about our pay cut and our pensions and I reminded them about the tornadoes and how these people had lost everything, pay cut seems kind of meaningless, so was the detail that I was told. Those people will never forget those tornadoes; but, they will clean up and rebuild. Some will have nightmares for years to come over what they witnessed and lived through others will not. Same with failed marriages, I don't have nightmares.

Ringo Starr - A Nice Song, the first solo hit for any of the Beatles I believe.

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