Saturday, May 14, 2011

A Surprise

Me and a friend went out today. We decided to get a nice dinner and just relax. Dinner was fantastic, great waiter and great food. I saw a young couple on a date and told my waiter to buy them desert and not let them know it was from me. They apparently were too full and did not wish the desert.

After dinner my friend and I went a played pool for an hour or so. It was nice to just go out and be able to not be tied to a clock. I never really lived the single life, never had that pleasure.

We returned home and decided to go to this Karaoke bar, have two drinks and listen to people sing badly. I never really spent much time at bars, when I was drinking heavy I did it at home, trying to drown out the pain, failed miserably after a while you just can't drink enough, the truth is still there. Stopped drinking heavy when the ex finally moved out.

Well, we were laughing and joking and a very pretty lady sat next to me. Now, in person Pimpernel can be charming. I know you say it isn't possible, not Pimpernel. Yes, in fact I can be quite amusing and love intelligent conversation on any topic. For some reason the lady next to me kept looking at me and wanted to flirt. I thought she was maybe 34; but, my young friend later told me she was probably in her early 40s. She was smoking hot. I did not flirt back; but, I was polite and friendly.

I have been looking at women differently lately. I used to look and think about how pretty they are. Seems kind of shallow. I used to love the curve of a woman's posterior, now it looks like a rearend. I used to enjoy looking at the shape of a woman's breast, now it is just a large chest. Don't get me wrong, I don't find men attractive at all, that is not what divorce left me with. I just am not as turned on by physicality anymore for periods of time.

I know a lady that after he ex stole all their money, abused her and left. She didn't trust men again for a long time and didn't even like their smell. That is not where I am coming from. I still like women and love talking with intelligent ones. No, it is more about reconsidering looks. I am not sure I know what pretty means, I know what I like (Jane Seymore, Rachel Weisz, Jacklyn Smith, Genevieve Bujold, Natalie Portman, Suzanne Pleshett, Salma Hyeck are my type of look); but, I am not captivated by their beauty anymore.

It has been four years and guess what, I could live the rest of my life without sex, don't want to; but, I absolutely could. When we left the bar, my friend pointed out that the woman seemed to want to engage me more (I won't use his exact words). It just isn't worth that much trouble. Not sex anyways.

I don't even know how I would feel having sex with a woman again. I kind of like my freedom, never had that before. I like my peace and my time to think. I like the fact that I don't have to negotiate everything. I could go back to being a hermit, studying and maybe actually write one of the books that I have been asked to write. But, I need time to myself without drama, had enough of that.

I don't know where I am at in some ways, maybe I am still healing. The woman in the bar was very pretty and shapely and willing, it didn't do a thing for me; but, make me feel uncomfortable. I didn't want to be hit on. Funny thing is, when we were playing pool I was joking with the pretty young waitress. I liked watching her laugh. I can be charming and amusing and women seem to like that. While my friend was gone I told her that he was abusing the elderly (me) and that she should tell him what a jerk he was. When he came back, he did just that. I try and make people's day just a little more surprising and amusing, it doesn't cost a thing except concern.

I don't hurt anymore from what happened, I just don't hurt. I did and that took a bit of time; but, I don't anymore. I try and learn from it; but, it continues to distance itself from my new reality and I like my new reality. It is very humble and simple, just like me on a good day. Not weak and stupid, I am not that. My new reality is what I have always enjoyed. I can see people, have fun with them and then go home and have time alone to talk to you good people.

The most a woman ever effected me was not because of beauty, she was beautiful; but, it was because of a look, a look of concern for my heart. If I could remember one moment in my life for eternity, it would be that moment. My wife never looked at me like that, she never looked in my eyes like I was the person that mattered the most to her, I was a meal ticket. I know the look is not the same.

Someone looked in my eyes once as if they couldn't stand the idea of me feeling bad. It melted me and my heart. To be loved is a strange thing, to know that someone thinks your feelings are as important as theirs, that is love. I have seen concern in other peoples eyes, I have seen that in my friends and family. Not obligation, true concern. I appreciate it everytime I see it.

I try and remember that look, I saw it once for a fleeting moment, it was seared into my mind and when I tried to retrieve it, it began to flow away. I am not surprised that people are selfish, I am surprised when they actually care about others and give of themselves. That is what I want to know again, that I matter that much to someone. Breasts are nice, rear ends are nice, legs are hot; but, in the end the mind is the sexiest part, tenderness and concern melt my heart. The woman I dated that came in number one cared about me, I loved her heart; but, it would have never worked because I am me and our goals were differant. I certainly am not going to jump into a relationship with anyone who is less caring, loving or decent. I can't do that.

The girl that wanted to flirt with me tonight was beautiful; but, she didn't know me, she just wanted to be appreciated. I appreciated her beauty; but, I want more, I want concern and love. Is that too much to ask, I think not. Be well and good night.

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