Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Am Very Angry

I don't get mad often and I am mad. I am angry and when Pimpernel does get angry he gets very quiet, no talking, just planning, this is not a good thing. When I am quiet I am busy focusing on one thing, my victim. There is no chance of escape, I plan it out to the limits of planning and then I act, most times they never see it coming unless I want them to.

I used to be very cold, colder than outer space. My psyche profile said it nicely, don't tell him what to do and stand three feet away. It actually said that in my psych profile. It took me years to learn to have tenderness and feelings. I did not understand such things, anger I understood quite well. Autistic people do understand anger quite well.

I stopped hating first, that took decades; but, I managed to stop hating. You did not want to cross me when I was young, I never stop and held a grudge. Now I just walk away, now I just choose not to be around things that seek to do me harm or do not care about me. After cheating on me and asking for a divorce and spending all the money I had earned, she told me that I did not matter to her at all. Nice lady, I choose to not communicate with her at all, I don't want her at my funeral; but, I choose to not communicate with those who don't care about my feelings. I guess if I am forced to have feelings I don't need to allow people to hurt them.

It has been a long journey for me to become tender and the old me will never go away completely as long as I am on this earth. When I look back on what I was becoming when I was young, when I know what bad people will do because I know what I would do if I were still emotionless, I feel filthy, I hate that feeling. A very dear friend and I had some business to conduct today and then we had lunch. He has seen me do things in business that needed to be done to protect people and he has told me that the last thing he ever wants to see is me be his enemy. There is a reason and I know it. If you can change an industry, you can destroy any part of it.

I am writing so that I will stop being angry, I believe this is a healthy outlet. I cannot talk to my oldest daughter because her husband did me wrong and that has to be rectified before I can be open with her. It is her husband and I expect to defend him and I expect him to be a man an openly discuss what he did. My middle daughter won't talk to me unless I live the way she thinks I should while she is perfectly happy to deal with her adulterous mother. Neither of the two was there for me when their mother cheated on me. Yes, I don't care if they read this, my feelings matter too.

I do not want the reader to think I don't have concern for me, I do and quite a lot. My housemate saw me come in quiet and he knew something was wrong. I went right to my room and began thinking, he came in and gave me a hug and asked me what was up, he knew I was angry, pretty perceptible; but, he did play professional poker for a couple of years. I have many friends and a wonderful brother, sister, brother in law, sister in law and cousins. We won't even get into how many true friends I have, it would shock you, many. I have love in my life and of course I have my dear readers. It makes my heart glad.

I was a cold person and very calculating, I was a bad man, the worst kind, the kind that had no remorse. I have worked very hard to be Pinocchio, to grow a heart. Hearts are hard things to live with, they are so easily broken. There are times when I regret that I cannot justify eliminating problems quickly and decisively. I am sorry, I feel that way sometimes, I just don't act on it anymore. Restraint and emotions suck; but, it is maturity and growth for one like me.

For those of you who do not know me personally, you would be shocked by who and what I was, you would not be surprised at all by who I am. It was a long journey with many bumps. I am very gentle and a pacifist, my brother and sister know what I could have become and that emotional range is still within me, my intent has changed. I don't ever want to be the cold thing that I was, not good for anyone including me. I can and will still be that thing for business, my friend is right, I will get you in business, I have a lifetime to get you.

There are two Pimpernel's, one of my assistants who has known me for years will on occasion say that I should not be "Bad Pimpernel" because she knows someone is about to get very seriously injured or destroyed. I don't like "Bad Pimpernel"; but, he has his place. My prior self is managed, I am one cool cucumber in bad situations, very level headed. My housemate noticed I was angry because I wasn't relaxed, he mentioned it, he said that was not the me he knew and it is not. Sometimes I want to go back to full blown uncontrolled autism; but, I know that is wrong.

Sometimes I don't want to ever be around people again, very easy and nice to have solitude, I should have been a monk. If it were right, I would choose to be in a monastery and just write. Sorry, if that blows any one's impressions of me. Thank you for being a place where I can say who and what I am without having to worry about being judged in person. Privacy is important.

I don't worry about "Bad Pimpernel" very often, I rarely feel the urge anymore. I am so very glad that God allowed me to be me and grow and shed off the childishness that I had. I prefer to manage my emotions over reacting to problems as they occur. I wish to thank my readers for putting up with this post. I do hope it helps show that I am human and not just some analyst, I have a full emotional spectrum now.

Do not worry about pitiful Pimpernel, I am not angry now, writing does help, I am just hurt and I have been hurt many times and survived. Hurt I have down to a science. It doesn't really bother me, hurt is easy. I don't even pay attention when I am stabbed in the back in business anymore. It just makes me laugh. I once had a politician ask me to not talk to his people because he needed them to get some dignity back after having attempting to screw with me, it did not go well for them and one of our readers was there and knows how bad Pimpernel can be.

What is it like to be autistic, it sucks and it is the most wonderful thing in the world at the same time. We so quickly get in trouble with people and so quickly know our gift, whatever that may be. Perhaps it is unfair to expect others to understand us, we are freaks (my friends hate it when I say that, other people with Aspergers do not because we have spent a lifetime being treated as freaks that do not matter). Why do they hate us, why do they feel a need to cure us or stop us from existing? I don't feel the same way about normal people, I like them mostly (still don't get the incessant lying).

Right now I want to hurt something, really bad. I feel bad that that emotion is still in me. I will not do anything bad; but, that emotional range still exists, I don't like that, I want it to go away. I avoid problems because that emotional range is still there and it is not a good thing. It is a very good thing that I gave up revenge for everyone, especially me.

I will tell the truth, I met a lady once who only knew me from my writing, she made a mistake and thought was a predator. I caught her and it confused her. We met in person at an event and she sent me an e-mail. She said that she had heard about people like me, predators; but, had never met one in person. That kind of creeped me out. I had to tell her that I was no predator, I am a protector. To a wolf a sheepdog looks like a predator, it will not let the wolf get to the sheep and they need sheep to live. I would not deny my dog beef. That is cruel, he is a dog and needs beef and loves bones, it is their nature it is the cycle of life.

Sorry if I rambled, I am no longer emotional, I am still hurt, I have that down to an art, I have been hurt before. I can now interact with people again. I will make this post simple. If I don't matter, if my feelings don't matter then have a good day and leave me alone. You can read my blog; but, leave me alone. I can do quite well without having people tell me who and what I must be, I can't be what people want me to be, I cannot be managed, threatened or inticed, I don't work that way so leave me alone if that is how you wish to have a relationship with me, go away and be well.

Anyonne wishing to have a relastionship with me must allow me to be me, my friends know that and it is the right starting place for any relationship

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