Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Beauty and Hiding

One of my co-workers read my blog and had an interesting comment. But, first, I had a dream last night. In the dream I was feeling amorous and as if I wanted to have sex and there was a woman next to me and it was my ex-wife. He body was pretty much the way I remembered it and I was getting very excited and before anything could happen I completely rejected letting anything happen and wanted to get away. I did. Now the comment (and this was made before I told her of my dream), she said that she read my previous post and thought I might be getting ready to transition back into a relationship. I think that may be so; but, I think I am not ready yet and that was the dream.

I think the dream reflected that I am over the ex; but, am afraid of being with someone. I think that as I began looking at women again, my mind sought to protect me. I think I may have stopped seeing women as physically attractive so that I wouldn't seek to find pleasure in another at this point. I think I was looking for reasons not to be with anyone right now. Kinda wild. I am not that ready to be intimate again, date, maybe; but, not intimate.

I don't want to meet someone and seek to have them fullfill all of my needs, I want to meet someone and get to know them and know that they will be a good partner in life. I believe that takes some time. So, I have posted a picture of a woman (Jane Seymour) who I always thought was beautiful and yes, she still is.

So where am I, confused. I am in need of time and need to let my body and mind and emotions find their new place. Together for 27, apart for 4. I don't want to heal quickly, I want to know when I have healed at my pace. I don't want what I had and may not be ready to start over, just some time for myself.

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