Sunday, May 3, 2015

Televisions Portrayal of Adultery

I've been watching Netflix, I watched Grey's Anatomy and it's spinoff, Private Practice. Just about every episode involves adultery. The interesting thing to me having had my wife cheat on me with multiple partners, is how little the people seem to be effected by it. On these shows people cheat on you. leave you for another person and after the initial shock go out of their way to help their exes in their new relationships.

You might think I am unforgiving; but, you would be seriously mistaken. The first time I found out that my wife cheated on me was about ten years into our marriage and resulted in her giving me an STD. We tried therapy but she would never talk about herself and left the therapy. The last person that I know of that she cheated on me was her hiking partner and that was the one she left me for. I still tried to get her to come back. Even after that, once we had divorced, she was hit by one of her boyfriends and called me for help and I gave it; but, I will never trust her and certainly don't want to go to dinner with her or even see her. She is a bad person and I try and avoid those in my life. I can be around her and even speak pleasantries; but, I don't trust her.

I don't bring up any of this too bash the ex, she is the mother of my children and I have been over it for quite awhile. This is about the things that change that they don't talk about on televisions shows or at the movies. It is about the mental after effects of infidelity. The person who is cheated on usually feels stupid for not seeing it, unattractive and unlovable and will develop trust issues. The cheater also is effected in a negative way. The new world is never the way they had fantasized.

The reality is that most people that leave their spouse for another person never marry each other. I read one stat that said 2.5%. For those that do marry their adulterous partner, the divorce rate is about 90%. The adulterer has even more trust issues than the partner that they cheated on usually. If you were the cheater and left your spouse what do you tell people when you date? Do you tell them you cheated on your spouse? Do you lie and tell them that your spouse cheated on you and hide the fact of what you did from new partners knowing that you are living a lie? How can you trust anyone after cheating on and leaving your spouse? They don't talk about these things on television.

If you are an adulterer it forever changes the way people look at you even your own family. It says that they cannot trust you. It also can effect you in business. I told a couple of people that I mentored that the first rule was that they could never lie again. The logic was simple, if you lie to your spouse how can I trust you not to lie to me? I forgave my ex years ago; but, I could never trust anything she told me again.

Let me put it this way, if you had a friend who cheated on their spouse and left them, would you be okay with them later dating your brother or sister? They don't talk about the real effects of adultery on television dramas.

I attended a birthday party for my granddaughter and the ex was there with her new boyfriend, not the man she cheated on me with, it was difficult for him and he stayed to himself. I busied myself talking to everyone else at the party and avoiding being alone with my ex. When the presents were opened we all gathered together and I ended up across from my exes new boyfriend. He chose to speak to me, he said he had heard that I was an Engineer. I am not, have not been and never intend to be an Engineer, I used to tell them what to do. She never told him what I did for a living, she never really told him about me, the man she was with for 24 years. I am not surprised that he was curious. I knew about my wife's first husband, the one that cheated on her. I told him that I was not an en gin neer. I had no intention of discussing my marriage or my ex with him. He asked me some construction questions, which I really do understand and the ex came by, sat next to him and glared at me. So, I excused myself and left.

My ex glared at me because she had something to hide from her boyfriend and was afraid I would him the truth. They don't talk about that on tv dramas. Whether my ex regrets what she did or not, what she did will effect relationship that she ever has with a man again. Television doesn't point these things out.

By the way, not all divorces are because of adultery (although that is the only reason the bible allows divorce) and sometimes a one time affair does not lead to divorce or the spouse leaving for another person.

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