Firstly, I wish to say that I am in a good place, physically and mentally. I think the thing is that I never want to be where I was again three years ago. Part of it was my fault, I didn't spend anytime protecting my boundaries and that allowed people in my personal life to take advantage of the kindess that I had shown them over the years.
I am now establishing my boundaries again and some things are no longer acceptable. If people have a problem with me or that then they can pound sand. In the future it is take me or leave me; but, that is it.
I was told something, a detail about what my ex-wife had done. I hadn't known the detail and it gave me another reason to think about how bad she had acted. It surprised me that it had that effect, doesn't matter what the detail was. I was talking to a friend and he reminded me that the details of the betrayal are best left unkown, I had to agree.
On one level, the fact that my ex was able to admit what she did was a very good thing for her, it means she is able to tell the truth again. I applaud that and hope she continues to grow. I did not speak to the ex myself. None of this is about my ex, it is more about me and processing information.
It made me wonder how I would deal with a possibility, the possibility that my ex would ever tell me the whole truth. I used to think that would at least allow us to not hate being in the same room or City or state (joking). Now, I think I really don't want to know the details, I think I know enough. My friend helped me see that. He had been cheated on and got to ask about and listen to the gory details, he said it was a mistake, it just made it hurt again. I think I have hurt enough.
I was going down the escalator in my building and a very beautful woman, maybe 35 to 40, hard to tell because she was kind of ageless. She got on behind a number of steps back and went "Hey". It was weird, I knew it was because of me, we were the only ones there. I turned around and sort of went "Yes". She said she had thought I was someone else, apparently someone she liked. This is pretty good for a guy with Autism.
I smiled and said that a lot of pretty women like me, I have the body of a 29 year old man and he wants it back because I was wrinkling it (a very old joke). She laughed and said that she thought I was handsome and had the body of a 29 year old man. I generally prefer the truth; however, a compliment from a pretty woman is always appreciated. It happened while I was thinking about the little detail.
I don't know how long it takes to get over things like what happened to me. Having the person you trust the most violate your trust in the most fundamental ways is hard. We have process things and learn from them to truly get over them rather than attempting to sweep them under the rug. Issues don't resolve themselves and if not resolved they become bitterness and resent. I don't really want those things in my life so I continue to try and resolve, make sense of what happened to me. I think understanding that the detail will not assist in the effort makes it easier, I think I know all I need to know for me.
While I was initially upset by the detail, I really don't care, it really doesn't matter anymore. The detail did not really make things worse or better, I already knew enough and that was bad enough, heck I am still paying the bills for her actions and their dinners. I don't even waste my time looking at them.
I am attempting to put mind in order (a messy thing at best). My move is complete, my finances while severely limited are getting a little better and I will be able to pay off some of the credit cards. I haven't used them in two years anyways. I also get to make the final payment to my attorney, she was very good to me and I appreciate her.
I need some new suits; but, I need to close out the past more. I need to put this relationship six feet under, it should never have happened in the first place. You cannot be together for 25 years and not have memories, I do not see any good ones, they were damaged by the bad ones. Still, it was part of my life and I do not like the idea of erasing memories, I like the idea of learning from them.
My life provides plenty of examples for me to learn from. I also need to learn to remember that there were some good times. I think part of the problem is that knowing what I know now means that even the good times were not what I thought; but, they were my experience at the time. Let me try an example.
Lets say that you are sitting across from your brother in a restaurant and telling each other jokes, that is a good experience. Now five years later you find out that your brother had stole money from you, that would change how you felt about him and all of your experiences together. Now you find out that it was at the restaurant as you were laughing and telling jokes that he stole your money using his smartphone and your bank infomation. Kinda changes the experience doesn't it; yet, what you felt at the time was real for you.
When someone violates all of your trust, how do you redefine your time together? That is the problem with lies. I don't know what was real and what was a lie, I don't know which days she came being with him and sat and ate at the table with me, discussed bills or events. I don't know and the details she wouldn't know either, she might remember one or two by not two thousand. We can now look at all of it as bad or only be worried about what feelings I did have at the time, neither seems quite right or honest. That leaves the third choice accept that a large part of your relationship with this other person was a lie and that you will know which parts were real. All of the memories are tainted; but, none of them is completely destroyed until you have the details.
I think getting a undeserved compliment from a pretty girl helps. I am in a new place and have possibilities open to me and can enjoy my life again, maybe for the first time. I can look ahead instead of behind; but, there is always a behind and it is part of my life and I can continue to learn from it. With time and distance and my new family and support system, I am redefining the rest of my life and it will not be like the first half.
I was work today and saw some news about the tornadoes that went through the south. Pretty scary stuff. Someone asked me about our pay cut and our pensions and I reminded them about the tornadoes and how these people had lost everything, pay cut seems kind of meaningless, so was the detail that I was told. Those people will never forget those tornadoes; but, they will clean up and rebuild. Some will have nightmares for years to come over what they witnessed and lived through others will not. Same with failed marriages, I don't have nightmares.
Ringo Starr - A Nice Song, the first solo hit for any of the Beatles I believe.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
I was going to bed
I was going to bed and decided to take a peak at the blog, to see if there were any comments. I decided to look at the stats, it said that Elisabeth Sladen was the search that led many people her. Hi. I do think she was amazing and was fortunate enough to see the tribute on youtube by the BBC.
Pimpernel is a person too and has his own associations, Ms. Sladen impacted my heart. I am so glad that effected others in the same way, that means that we can appreciate heart. Be well.
Pimpernel is a person too and has his own associations, Ms. Sladen impacted my heart. I am so glad that effected others in the same way, that means that we can appreciate heart. Be well.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
No longer cranky
Just like everyone else, I get cranky too. I am over it. I had to work on a business project today that relied on someone properly preparing some documents, they failed and I wasted a day. I should be cranky about that; but, we just work through it.
On a heavier note, a one mile wide tornado went through a town, I cannot comprehend a one mile wide tornado, is that common? I don't think so and surely do not wish to see one. Lots of tornadoes this year.
What is causing this anomalous weather? It is not climate change, we are at the same elevation and it is not global warming, that doesn't cause the magnetic pole to shift. Why are so many people reporting mass animal deaths? Why are the bees dying? Are these things connected and if so, how? Too many anomalies at one time.
Most people's view of the world is limited, they presume that the world is static and it is not. When tragedies like Katrina or the one in Japan occur, we are reminded of how tentative our time here is and how limited we are in controlling the world. That makes people feel uncomfortable.
I am on an internet forum and was commenting on something, one of the commentors did not like my writing style, they found it somewhat condescending, I don't believe it is, it is just my style. Because it is not a common style, they found it uncomfortable and we do like our comfort. The world is acting oddly and that makes people uncomfortable. They wonder what tomorrow will bring, they wonder if they will be able to get cookies and goodies or if everything will disappear.
The world is changing and we face some problems; but, the world has changed before and we have faced problems before. Most people know very little about how the world is run, they didn't want to know. With momentous changes people are wondering what is going on and many are scared. They try and read; but, it is a little late to think that they can put all of the pieces together correctly, too much fear and too little time.
There are people like Alex Jones and Rense that are saying that the world elite want to kill 90% of the population or put everyone in FEMA camps. There are others who believe we are about to achieve some type of enlightenment or that the world is going to end (one preacher says it will end in May). There are things going on and the world does have leaders and they do conspire, it is called diplomacy. If you do not understand the language of diplomacy then it seems more ominous than it is.
The problem is that whatever is going on, it is being dealt with and the rich do not want us all to die, that is silly. Some will point to what is known as the Georgia Guidestones which say the earth should be kept at 500,000,000 people; but, it doesn't say people should be killed.
Rather than telling people the truth, even it it is unpleasent, we are told half truths and bombarded with contradictory information, that does not help anything. Having said all of that I wish to give a hypothetical. If you were the President and you were told a meteor was going to hit the earth, how would you handle it? Would you tell everyone or wait till the last minute and let them enjoy the time they have? Again, I am a Christian and don't believe the world will end, that is not what it says in my bible. As for the Mayan calendar, I have a calendar to and it expires in December after that I will buy a new one for next year.
The housing market and the stock markets collapses were intentionally done, I know that one. The question is why. Partly I believe it was done so that the system could be changed. Nobody in their right mind would want to see their own country plunged into poverty and certainly not the people in the intelligence community. I have considered these options and don't by it. The most likely scenerio is that something is causing changes in the earth and they are preparing for more catastrophes. Sometimes the earth does that, it twists and turns.
I live in Los Angeles and we have earthquakes. The first time someone experiences an earthquake they want to move to the midwest, not me, I don't like tornadoes and I don't fear earthquakes. Telling me that the big one could be coming means nothing, I have known that my whole life.
People point to occult symbolism in music and movies, they are there, that doesn't mean they are ominous. There is a club and most people are not members; but, do you really believe that those who are want us all dead? I don't think so. There are those who point out masonic and other symbolism used by Jay Z and Lady Gaga, they do use the symbolism; but, do you really believe they want to see all of their fans killed, that is crazy. Lady Gaga may be slightly odd; but, she loves her fans. I am pretty sure that Jay Z does to, he gives a lot to charity.
There have always been insiders. Every society and every clique has it's own symbolism and ritual. If Jay Z and Lady Gaga were trying to manipulate the world as part of some grand plan of the New World Order then they wouldn't openly wear the symbolism.
There is a movement for a one world government, it is not hidden, it is openly discussed. I disagree with it; but, I do understand what they believe. Rockefeller wrote in his book that he believed in it and I am sure he does. I am against many things, I am against transhumanist philosophy; but, I do believe they believe what they want will be better for people.
What I find interesting is that these things are being openly discussed, I think that is good. You chip and bar code things to better manage the inventory, not to destoy it. Yes, I know the Nazi's tattooed people, that wasn't to kill them, it was to manage them. A terrible thing and we are not animals and should not be treated as such; but, you don't need to track things with numbers to kill them.
I understand that there are those who believe putting RFID chips in people has benefits and it does. By chipping people you prevent identity theft and can find lost children. There are many benefits to chipping; but, it is wrong. It is wrong because it is would allow for too much control and mischief. It is wrong because it is not worth the cost to privacy.
We are moving towards a universal currency. This is not evil in and of itself. Some will say that it was predicted in Revelations and it was; but, it didn't say it was evil, just a sign of the times. It also said there would be earthquakes; but, they are not evil either, just the earth moving.
The government is good at keeping secrets especially when it needs to; but, the more people involved and the more likely it will come out. People will defect from any organization, just like the soldiers did in Libya, rather than kill their countrymen. The Bohemian Grove is a real place and the rich and powerful do meet there and have bizarre, pagan rituals. It is purely symbolic to 99% of the people who attend. Nixon attended and was taped saying how "faggy" it was. That is not me using the term. Nixon was not stupid and he was not pagan. Nixon, I believe, was a Quaker, his college was. If Nixon had attended and thought the rich wanted to kill us all, I think he would have said something.
Something is going on and something is always going on. Having said that a team of well trained wack jobs known as contingency planners are on it. Nothing escapes their screen, nothing, they got a plan for everything and they plan for mass success. Contingency planners try to find ways to make things better for those they protect and we have some of the best in the world, if not the best.
Are there people who would take advantage of the majority of us, yeah, of course. Can these people fool the contingency planners, not on a bet, they barely understand them. Greenspan is a very smart man, very high IQ and the same Briggs Meyers as me (means sick planner). He knew the market would crash, he knew the housing and stock markets would crash, guarenteed. He also knew there was a plan.
Warren Buffet is a decent man by every account, he certainly is not selfish nor foolish. Bill Gates is a decent man by every account, he is also not selfish or foolish. Mr. Gates believes in birth control, he does not believe in killing millions or billions of people, I cannot accept that that is in his heart when he gives away all that he has to charity. I don't buy it. The Rockefellers, maybe; but, then again maybe not. I cannot believe that no Rockefeller would reject such a plan, I don't buy that.
Mr. Buffet aside from being honest and the greatest investor in history is not a selfish man, he believes in meritocracy and worked his way up from the bottom. He was on 60 minutes and said he was protecting the asses of the masses. I believe he means it, he is not from the "elite", he was one of us. Bill Gates did not create Microsoft in order to rule the world, he was a computer nerd, he likes technology, he wanted everyone to have access to computers.
There is something going on and I don't know exactly what yet. I read all the crazy stuff and still don't know; but, I know something is going on and so do others, others like me. We read everything and look for anomalies to track, too many, more than I have ever seen in my lifetime occurring at one time and no reasonable explanations.
There are bad people in the world and good people can be manipulated; but, Lincoln was correct, you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. If the world were to end tomorrow, we would still have today, lets enjoy it and enjoy each others company. Be well.
On a heavier note, a one mile wide tornado went through a town, I cannot comprehend a one mile wide tornado, is that common? I don't think so and surely do not wish to see one. Lots of tornadoes this year.
What is causing this anomalous weather? It is not climate change, we are at the same elevation and it is not global warming, that doesn't cause the magnetic pole to shift. Why are so many people reporting mass animal deaths? Why are the bees dying? Are these things connected and if so, how? Too many anomalies at one time.
Most people's view of the world is limited, they presume that the world is static and it is not. When tragedies like Katrina or the one in Japan occur, we are reminded of how tentative our time here is and how limited we are in controlling the world. That makes people feel uncomfortable.
I am on an internet forum and was commenting on something, one of the commentors did not like my writing style, they found it somewhat condescending, I don't believe it is, it is just my style. Because it is not a common style, they found it uncomfortable and we do like our comfort. The world is acting oddly and that makes people uncomfortable. They wonder what tomorrow will bring, they wonder if they will be able to get cookies and goodies or if everything will disappear.
The world is changing and we face some problems; but, the world has changed before and we have faced problems before. Most people know very little about how the world is run, they didn't want to know. With momentous changes people are wondering what is going on and many are scared. They try and read; but, it is a little late to think that they can put all of the pieces together correctly, too much fear and too little time.
There are people like Alex Jones and Rense that are saying that the world elite want to kill 90% of the population or put everyone in FEMA camps. There are others who believe we are about to achieve some type of enlightenment or that the world is going to end (one preacher says it will end in May). There are things going on and the world does have leaders and they do conspire, it is called diplomacy. If you do not understand the language of diplomacy then it seems more ominous than it is.
The problem is that whatever is going on, it is being dealt with and the rich do not want us all to die, that is silly. Some will point to what is known as the Georgia Guidestones which say the earth should be kept at 500,000,000 people; but, it doesn't say people should be killed.
Rather than telling people the truth, even it it is unpleasent, we are told half truths and bombarded with contradictory information, that does not help anything. Having said all of that I wish to give a hypothetical. If you were the President and you were told a meteor was going to hit the earth, how would you handle it? Would you tell everyone or wait till the last minute and let them enjoy the time they have? Again, I am a Christian and don't believe the world will end, that is not what it says in my bible. As for the Mayan calendar, I have a calendar to and it expires in December after that I will buy a new one for next year.
The housing market and the stock markets collapses were intentionally done, I know that one. The question is why. Partly I believe it was done so that the system could be changed. Nobody in their right mind would want to see their own country plunged into poverty and certainly not the people in the intelligence community. I have considered these options and don't by it. The most likely scenerio is that something is causing changes in the earth and they are preparing for more catastrophes. Sometimes the earth does that, it twists and turns.
I live in Los Angeles and we have earthquakes. The first time someone experiences an earthquake they want to move to the midwest, not me, I don't like tornadoes and I don't fear earthquakes. Telling me that the big one could be coming means nothing, I have known that my whole life.
People point to occult symbolism in music and movies, they are there, that doesn't mean they are ominous. There is a club and most people are not members; but, do you really believe that those who are want us all dead? I don't think so. There are those who point out masonic and other symbolism used by Jay Z and Lady Gaga, they do use the symbolism; but, do you really believe they want to see all of their fans killed, that is crazy. Lady Gaga may be slightly odd; but, she loves her fans. I am pretty sure that Jay Z does to, he gives a lot to charity.
There have always been insiders. Every society and every clique has it's own symbolism and ritual. If Jay Z and Lady Gaga were trying to manipulate the world as part of some grand plan of the New World Order then they wouldn't openly wear the symbolism.
There is a movement for a one world government, it is not hidden, it is openly discussed. I disagree with it; but, I do understand what they believe. Rockefeller wrote in his book that he believed in it and I am sure he does. I am against many things, I am against transhumanist philosophy; but, I do believe they believe what they want will be better for people.
What I find interesting is that these things are being openly discussed, I think that is good. You chip and bar code things to better manage the inventory, not to destoy it. Yes, I know the Nazi's tattooed people, that wasn't to kill them, it was to manage them. A terrible thing and we are not animals and should not be treated as such; but, you don't need to track things with numbers to kill them.
I understand that there are those who believe putting RFID chips in people has benefits and it does. By chipping people you prevent identity theft and can find lost children. There are many benefits to chipping; but, it is wrong. It is wrong because it is would allow for too much control and mischief. It is wrong because it is not worth the cost to privacy.
We are moving towards a universal currency. This is not evil in and of itself. Some will say that it was predicted in Revelations and it was; but, it didn't say it was evil, just a sign of the times. It also said there would be earthquakes; but, they are not evil either, just the earth moving.
The government is good at keeping secrets especially when it needs to; but, the more people involved and the more likely it will come out. People will defect from any organization, just like the soldiers did in Libya, rather than kill their countrymen. The Bohemian Grove is a real place and the rich and powerful do meet there and have bizarre, pagan rituals. It is purely symbolic to 99% of the people who attend. Nixon attended and was taped saying how "faggy" it was. That is not me using the term. Nixon was not stupid and he was not pagan. Nixon, I believe, was a Quaker, his college was. If Nixon had attended and thought the rich wanted to kill us all, I think he would have said something.
Something is going on and something is always going on. Having said that a team of well trained wack jobs known as contingency planners are on it. Nothing escapes their screen, nothing, they got a plan for everything and they plan for mass success. Contingency planners try to find ways to make things better for those they protect and we have some of the best in the world, if not the best.
Are there people who would take advantage of the majority of us, yeah, of course. Can these people fool the contingency planners, not on a bet, they barely understand them. Greenspan is a very smart man, very high IQ and the same Briggs Meyers as me (means sick planner). He knew the market would crash, he knew the housing and stock markets would crash, guarenteed. He also knew there was a plan.
Warren Buffet is a decent man by every account, he certainly is not selfish nor foolish. Bill Gates is a decent man by every account, he is also not selfish or foolish. Mr. Gates believes in birth control, he does not believe in killing millions or billions of people, I cannot accept that that is in his heart when he gives away all that he has to charity. I don't buy it. The Rockefellers, maybe; but, then again maybe not. I cannot believe that no Rockefeller would reject such a plan, I don't buy that.
Mr. Buffet aside from being honest and the greatest investor in history is not a selfish man, he believes in meritocracy and worked his way up from the bottom. He was on 60 minutes and said he was protecting the asses of the masses. I believe he means it, he is not from the "elite", he was one of us. Bill Gates did not create Microsoft in order to rule the world, he was a computer nerd, he likes technology, he wanted everyone to have access to computers.
There is something going on and I don't know exactly what yet. I read all the crazy stuff and still don't know; but, I know something is going on and so do others, others like me. We read everything and look for anomalies to track, too many, more than I have ever seen in my lifetime occurring at one time and no reasonable explanations.
There are bad people in the world and good people can be manipulated; but, Lincoln was correct, you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. If the world were to end tomorrow, we would still have today, lets enjoy it and enjoy each others company. Be well.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I Am Very Angry
I don't get mad often and I am mad. I am angry and when Pimpernel does get angry he gets very quiet, no talking, just planning, this is not a good thing. When I am quiet I am busy focusing on one thing, my victim. There is no chance of escape, I plan it out to the limits of planning and then I act, most times they never see it coming unless I want them to.
I used to be very cold, colder than outer space. My psyche profile said it nicely, don't tell him what to do and stand three feet away. It actually said that in my psych profile. It took me years to learn to have tenderness and feelings. I did not understand such things, anger I understood quite well. Autistic people do understand anger quite well.
I stopped hating first, that took decades; but, I managed to stop hating. You did not want to cross me when I was young, I never stop and held a grudge. Now I just walk away, now I just choose not to be around things that seek to do me harm or do not care about me. After cheating on me and asking for a divorce and spending all the money I had earned, she told me that I did not matter to her at all. Nice lady, I choose to not communicate with her at all, I don't want her at my funeral; but, I choose to not communicate with those who don't care about my feelings. I guess if I am forced to have feelings I don't need to allow people to hurt them.
It has been a long journey for me to become tender and the old me will never go away completely as long as I am on this earth. When I look back on what I was becoming when I was young, when I know what bad people will do because I know what I would do if I were still emotionless, I feel filthy, I hate that feeling. A very dear friend and I had some business to conduct today and then we had lunch. He has seen me do things in business that needed to be done to protect people and he has told me that the last thing he ever wants to see is me be his enemy. There is a reason and I know it. If you can change an industry, you can destroy any part of it.
I am writing so that I will stop being angry, I believe this is a healthy outlet. I cannot talk to my oldest daughter because her husband did me wrong and that has to be rectified before I can be open with her. It is her husband and I expect to defend him and I expect him to be a man an openly discuss what he did. My middle daughter won't talk to me unless I live the way she thinks I should while she is perfectly happy to deal with her adulterous mother. Neither of the two was there for me when their mother cheated on me. Yes, I don't care if they read this, my feelings matter too.
I do not want the reader to think I don't have concern for me, I do and quite a lot. My housemate saw me come in quiet and he knew something was wrong. I went right to my room and began thinking, he came in and gave me a hug and asked me what was up, he knew I was angry, pretty perceptible; but, he did play professional poker for a couple of years. I have many friends and a wonderful brother, sister, brother in law, sister in law and cousins. We won't even get into how many true friends I have, it would shock you, many. I have love in my life and of course I have my dear readers. It makes my heart glad.
I was a cold person and very calculating, I was a bad man, the worst kind, the kind that had no remorse. I have worked very hard to be Pinocchio, to grow a heart. Hearts are hard things to live with, they are so easily broken. There are times when I regret that I cannot justify eliminating problems quickly and decisively. I am sorry, I feel that way sometimes, I just don't act on it anymore. Restraint and emotions suck; but, it is maturity and growth for one like me.
For those of you who do not know me personally, you would be shocked by who and what I was, you would not be surprised at all by who I am. It was a long journey with many bumps. I am very gentle and a pacifist, my brother and sister know what I could have become and that emotional range is still within me, my intent has changed. I don't ever want to be the cold thing that I was, not good for anyone including me. I can and will still be that thing for business, my friend is right, I will get you in business, I have a lifetime to get you.
There are two Pimpernel's, one of my assistants who has known me for years will on occasion say that I should not be "Bad Pimpernel" because she knows someone is about to get very seriously injured or destroyed. I don't like "Bad Pimpernel"; but, he has his place. My prior self is managed, I am one cool cucumber in bad situations, very level headed. My housemate noticed I was angry because I wasn't relaxed, he mentioned it, he said that was not the me he knew and it is not. Sometimes I want to go back to full blown uncontrolled autism; but, I know that is wrong.
Sometimes I don't want to ever be around people again, very easy and nice to have solitude, I should have been a monk. If it were right, I would choose to be in a monastery and just write. Sorry, if that blows any one's impressions of me. Thank you for being a place where I can say who and what I am without having to worry about being judged in person. Privacy is important.
I don't worry about "Bad Pimpernel" very often, I rarely feel the urge anymore. I am so very glad that God allowed me to be me and grow and shed off the childishness that I had. I prefer to manage my emotions over reacting to problems as they occur. I wish to thank my readers for putting up with this post. I do hope it helps show that I am human and not just some analyst, I have a full emotional spectrum now.
Do not worry about pitiful Pimpernel, I am not angry now, writing does help, I am just hurt and I have been hurt many times and survived. Hurt I have down to a science. It doesn't really bother me, hurt is easy. I don't even pay attention when I am stabbed in the back in business anymore. It just makes me laugh. I once had a politician ask me to not talk to his people because he needed them to get some dignity back after having attempting to screw with me, it did not go well for them and one of our readers was there and knows how bad Pimpernel can be.
What is it like to be autistic, it sucks and it is the most wonderful thing in the world at the same time. We so quickly get in trouble with people and so quickly know our gift, whatever that may be. Perhaps it is unfair to expect others to understand us, we are freaks (my friends hate it when I say that, other people with Aspergers do not because we have spent a lifetime being treated as freaks that do not matter). Why do they hate us, why do they feel a need to cure us or stop us from existing? I don't feel the same way about normal people, I like them mostly (still don't get the incessant lying).
Right now I want to hurt something, really bad. I feel bad that that emotion is still in me. I will not do anything bad; but, that emotional range still exists, I don't like that, I want it to go away. I avoid problems because that emotional range is still there and it is not a good thing. It is a very good thing that I gave up revenge for everyone, especially me.
I will tell the truth, I met a lady once who only knew me from my writing, she made a mistake and thought was a predator. I caught her and it confused her. We met in person at an event and she sent me an e-mail. She said that she had heard about people like me, predators; but, had never met one in person. That kind of creeped me out. I had to tell her that I was no predator, I am a protector. To a wolf a sheepdog looks like a predator, it will not let the wolf get to the sheep and they need sheep to live. I would not deny my dog beef. That is cruel, he is a dog and needs beef and loves bones, it is their nature it is the cycle of life.
Sorry if I rambled, I am no longer emotional, I am still hurt, I have that down to an art, I have been hurt before. I can now interact with people again. I will make this post simple. If I don't matter, if my feelings don't matter then have a good day and leave me alone. You can read my blog; but, leave me alone. I can do quite well without having people tell me who and what I must be, I can't be what people want me to be, I cannot be managed, threatened or inticed, I don't work that way so leave me alone if that is how you wish to have a relationship with me, go away and be well.
Anyonne wishing to have a relastionship with me must allow me to be me, my friends know that and it is the right starting place for any relationship
I used to be very cold, colder than outer space. My psyche profile said it nicely, don't tell him what to do and stand three feet away. It actually said that in my psych profile. It took me years to learn to have tenderness and feelings. I did not understand such things, anger I understood quite well. Autistic people do understand anger quite well.
I stopped hating first, that took decades; but, I managed to stop hating. You did not want to cross me when I was young, I never stop and held a grudge. Now I just walk away, now I just choose not to be around things that seek to do me harm or do not care about me. After cheating on me and asking for a divorce and spending all the money I had earned, she told me that I did not matter to her at all. Nice lady, I choose to not communicate with her at all, I don't want her at my funeral; but, I choose to not communicate with those who don't care about my feelings. I guess if I am forced to have feelings I don't need to allow people to hurt them.
It has been a long journey for me to become tender and the old me will never go away completely as long as I am on this earth. When I look back on what I was becoming when I was young, when I know what bad people will do because I know what I would do if I were still emotionless, I feel filthy, I hate that feeling. A very dear friend and I had some business to conduct today and then we had lunch. He has seen me do things in business that needed to be done to protect people and he has told me that the last thing he ever wants to see is me be his enemy. There is a reason and I know it. If you can change an industry, you can destroy any part of it.
I am writing so that I will stop being angry, I believe this is a healthy outlet. I cannot talk to my oldest daughter because her husband did me wrong and that has to be rectified before I can be open with her. It is her husband and I expect to defend him and I expect him to be a man an openly discuss what he did. My middle daughter won't talk to me unless I live the way she thinks I should while she is perfectly happy to deal with her adulterous mother. Neither of the two was there for me when their mother cheated on me. Yes, I don't care if they read this, my feelings matter too.
I do not want the reader to think I don't have concern for me, I do and quite a lot. My housemate saw me come in quiet and he knew something was wrong. I went right to my room and began thinking, he came in and gave me a hug and asked me what was up, he knew I was angry, pretty perceptible; but, he did play professional poker for a couple of years. I have many friends and a wonderful brother, sister, brother in law, sister in law and cousins. We won't even get into how many true friends I have, it would shock you, many. I have love in my life and of course I have my dear readers. It makes my heart glad.
I was a cold person and very calculating, I was a bad man, the worst kind, the kind that had no remorse. I have worked very hard to be Pinocchio, to grow a heart. Hearts are hard things to live with, they are so easily broken. There are times when I regret that I cannot justify eliminating problems quickly and decisively. I am sorry, I feel that way sometimes, I just don't act on it anymore. Restraint and emotions suck; but, it is maturity and growth for one like me.
For those of you who do not know me personally, you would be shocked by who and what I was, you would not be surprised at all by who I am. It was a long journey with many bumps. I am very gentle and a pacifist, my brother and sister know what I could have become and that emotional range is still within me, my intent has changed. I don't ever want to be the cold thing that I was, not good for anyone including me. I can and will still be that thing for business, my friend is right, I will get you in business, I have a lifetime to get you.
There are two Pimpernel's, one of my assistants who has known me for years will on occasion say that I should not be "Bad Pimpernel" because she knows someone is about to get very seriously injured or destroyed. I don't like "Bad Pimpernel"; but, he has his place. My prior self is managed, I am one cool cucumber in bad situations, very level headed. My housemate noticed I was angry because I wasn't relaxed, he mentioned it, he said that was not the me he knew and it is not. Sometimes I want to go back to full blown uncontrolled autism; but, I know that is wrong.
Sometimes I don't want to ever be around people again, very easy and nice to have solitude, I should have been a monk. If it were right, I would choose to be in a monastery and just write. Sorry, if that blows any one's impressions of me. Thank you for being a place where I can say who and what I am without having to worry about being judged in person. Privacy is important.
I don't worry about "Bad Pimpernel" very often, I rarely feel the urge anymore. I am so very glad that God allowed me to be me and grow and shed off the childishness that I had. I prefer to manage my emotions over reacting to problems as they occur. I wish to thank my readers for putting up with this post. I do hope it helps show that I am human and not just some analyst, I have a full emotional spectrum now.
Do not worry about pitiful Pimpernel, I am not angry now, writing does help, I am just hurt and I have been hurt many times and survived. Hurt I have down to a science. It doesn't really bother me, hurt is easy. I don't even pay attention when I am stabbed in the back in business anymore. It just makes me laugh. I once had a politician ask me to not talk to his people because he needed them to get some dignity back after having attempting to screw with me, it did not go well for them and one of our readers was there and knows how bad Pimpernel can be.
What is it like to be autistic, it sucks and it is the most wonderful thing in the world at the same time. We so quickly get in trouble with people and so quickly know our gift, whatever that may be. Perhaps it is unfair to expect others to understand us, we are freaks (my friends hate it when I say that, other people with Aspergers do not because we have spent a lifetime being treated as freaks that do not matter). Why do they hate us, why do they feel a need to cure us or stop us from existing? I don't feel the same way about normal people, I like them mostly (still don't get the incessant lying).
Right now I want to hurt something, really bad. I feel bad that that emotion is still in me. I will not do anything bad; but, that emotional range still exists, I don't like that, I want it to go away. I avoid problems because that emotional range is still there and it is not a good thing. It is a very good thing that I gave up revenge for everyone, especially me.
I will tell the truth, I met a lady once who only knew me from my writing, she made a mistake and thought was a predator. I caught her and it confused her. We met in person at an event and she sent me an e-mail. She said that she had heard about people like me, predators; but, had never met one in person. That kind of creeped me out. I had to tell her that I was no predator, I am a protector. To a wolf a sheepdog looks like a predator, it will not let the wolf get to the sheep and they need sheep to live. I would not deny my dog beef. That is cruel, he is a dog and needs beef and loves bones, it is their nature it is the cycle of life.
Sorry if I rambled, I am no longer emotional, I am still hurt, I have that down to an art, I have been hurt before. I can now interact with people again. I will make this post simple. If I don't matter, if my feelings don't matter then have a good day and leave me alone. You can read my blog; but, leave me alone. I can do quite well without having people tell me who and what I must be, I can't be what people want me to be, I cannot be managed, threatened or inticed, I don't work that way so leave me alone if that is how you wish to have a relationship with me, go away and be well.
Anyonne wishing to have a relastionship with me must allow me to be me, my friends know that and it is the right starting place for any relationship
My Dearest Robbie
A wonderous lady, my Robbie, posted some comments two posts back. I want her to know that she is my dearest. She is an amazing woman and old men like me are renewed by wonderous women. Old mean old men like me need a reason to move on and amazing women work for me. She is amazing. She gave me strength when I was weak.
Pimpernel is a tired old btard; yet,don't be stupid and make me hurt you, don't try me. If someone hurt my Robbie, I just might wake up and make you very uncomfortable. She amazes me, she cared about me and that is heaven, when someone cares about you, then you know heaven.
There is a very real person behind this blog, some of you know me and I am real and the people I know are real, my Robbie is real and I love her. She helped me when I needed help and loved me when I needed love. I know hell and I know heaven, I am ready for neither, I know love and I am ready for that relationship, Robbie helped me get there and I miss her, she needs some time in Vegas with me.
The one regret I have is that when I see my Robbie I will have to tell her things that she will not be able to comprehend for a long time. A mutual aquaintance is evil and it is not the owner of a website (she is wonederous), no there is a bad person that deceives. Yet, my Robbie is amazing and I love her.
Pimpernel is a tired old btard; yet,don't be stupid and make me hurt you, don't try me. If someone hurt my Robbie, I just might wake up and make you very uncomfortable. She amazes me, she cared about me and that is heaven, when someone cares about you, then you know heaven.
There is a very real person behind this blog, some of you know me and I am real and the people I know are real, my Robbie is real and I love her. She helped me when I needed help and loved me when I needed love. I know hell and I know heaven, I am ready for neither, I know love and I am ready for that relationship, Robbie helped me get there and I miss her, she needs some time in Vegas with me.
The one regret I have is that when I see my Robbie I will have to tell her things that she will not be able to comprehend for a long time. A mutual aquaintance is evil and it is not the owner of a website (she is wonederous), no there is a bad person that deceives. Yet, my Robbie is amazing and I love her.
I Am Stupid
My third post on the same thing. My Elisabeth Sladen, My Sarah Jane. The BBC tribute, the same thing my sister told her kids, the amazing lady, my Jane Austin, my Julia. That special, that perfect. My Liz, my Miss Sladen and my Doctor, Tom.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
What Is The Meaning Of Easter?
I don't mean our lousy traditions, I mean of what are supposed to be celebrating? Some would say our salvation because our Saviour died for our sins. I don't celbrate that and only figured that out now. I celebrate his return to heaven. I spent the weekend in Vegas and played in a poker tournament, I had me some fun.
For Easter, we should celebrate that a friend got out of this place and got to go and be with God and be loved rather than get nailed to a cross. That is a good thing to celebrate. I don't celebrate his dying for me, I regret it was necessary. That is my view anyways.
I had a nice weekend. I had a few ladies flirt with me (I have witnesses so shut up)played poker and did great, final table baby. First live tournament in two years, felt great and I was complimented on my play more than once. I know it is just a game and see it as such; but, it is nice to know that we are good at things, that we have some say in the outcome, that we have a chance. Jesus gave us that. That was a gift, I am greatful he got out of this place and gets to be in a better one, we all can someday. Patience is required, no shortcuts.
There was a movie called "doing time on planet earth". What if, life was like that? What if we all had to experience hell and the degree to which we did, we would have heaven? Trippy question? What if, in "The End (A song by the Beatles on Abbey Road), what if,"And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give". What if that were true, does it get better or worse for you? Have a great week.
For Easter, we should celebrate that a friend got out of this place and got to go and be with God and be loved rather than get nailed to a cross. That is a good thing to celebrate. I don't celebrate his dying for me, I regret it was necessary. That is my view anyways.
I had a nice weekend. I had a few ladies flirt with me (I have witnesses so shut up)played poker and did great, final table baby. First live tournament in two years, felt great and I was complimented on my play more than once. I know it is just a game and see it as such; but, it is nice to know that we are good at things, that we have some say in the outcome, that we have a chance. Jesus gave us that. That was a gift, I am greatful he got out of this place and gets to be in a better one, we all can someday. Patience is required, no shortcuts.
There was a movie called "doing time on planet earth". What if, life was like that? What if we all had to experience hell and the degree to which we did, we would have heaven? Trippy question? What if, in "The End (A song by the Beatles on Abbey Road), what if,"And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give". What if that were true, does it get better or worse for you? Have a great week.
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